Pristine's Ledge

2003-03-01T15:16:00.000-06:00

Oh boy. My Surreally site is well it's ummm well it is sort of out of commission until Kd can fix whatever the heck it is that needs to be fixed; of course I still have no clue what that is but I have that much faith in Kd that she will get it all worked out when she gets well again. I dunno. So I will try to post here sometime tonight after I get back from the library. I have a post saved but something else peaked my brain and has taken over that post but I need time to do it. So for now, welcome back to the old ledge. :)

2002-06-04T20:56:00.000-05:00

I HAVE MOVED!!!! MOVED OUTTA HERE!!! A NEW PAD!!! A NEW HOME!!!! CHANGE YOUR LINKS TO ME PLEASE, OR NOT, WHATEVER YOU WISH, BUT I HAVE MOVED DAMMIT!!!

Welcome to my new home!

2002-04-09T20:08:00.000-05:00

I have moved, in case you have yet to notice?

That is right people, the ledge has picked up at Pristine.Surreally so if you have not changed your links, I would be so thankful if you could do so now. I have been a work-a-holic since my new page went into action two or three weeks ago but I plan on being able to post daily again. I have missed it, believe me, and it is a small enjoyment I have been able to enjoy up until the past several months. Things have gotten somewhat back to normal and have somewhat gotten a bit more in control at work so I can have at least a little bit of a life now! YAY! SEE YA'LL OVER AT THE NEW LEDGE!

2002-03-30T13:52:00.000-06:00

The beauty of it all is now HERE and my famous black rose is beautiful! Someone made a slick stupid comment about my posting under "black rose" well go to the link and see why, duh? To top this off let me explain my fancy with black roses. I have a beautiful tattoo of a black rose on my shoulder. I will get a pic of this out on my new page soon, but this Christian man who was going to go to Seattle to minister to teens gave this too me. Upon close looking one can actually see the veins inside this little black rose. You can actually see the such detail that it is no wonder why it took him so long to do it. Truly a work of art on my body. It may not be as much as some people put on their bodies but this little item is very cool and sweet! Something that most people would never have the time to do or to wait to have done. I sat there in Colorado for just about four hours while he took his time doing all of the veins, prickers and the leafs as well as the petals. In the end it was worth it. So what does the black rose signafie for me? Death is not one of them believe me. The true black rose is very rare. We are not talking "dipped in paint" black we are talking a real growing black rose. These roses are not "truly black" but so dark they are appear to be black and they are beautiful! You can go here to read the reality of black roses! I love them! Anyway, that is the story. I have began to post on my new site so this one will soon become a spot of reference and search requests and a major part of history. Hope to see you at the new ledge! Huggles!

2002-03-28T22:45:00.000-06:00

Wanna come Join me???

2002-03-27T21:48:00.000-06:00

I'am going to be MOVING REALLY SOON!!!! Happy happy joy joy! Oh and heck I may even do the Rack since I am in such a good mood...

2002-03-27T19:52:00.000-06:00

I heard the most funniest thing!

In the back ground I had the T.V. on while I was doing laundry, working, cleaning and taking my bath. When I came on the puter to blog, I was thinking really hard for inspiration when all of a sudden from the T.V. I hear this conversation going on. It went like this:

Guy one: HEY kid stop playing with the box of cereal! You are going to spill it everywhere!

Girl One: Don't talk to him like that, he is the next Genius!

Guy one: Yeah ok whatever but I am going to GENIUS his butt if he spills that cereal all over the floor!

Guy Two: Hey now you guys give the little kid a break...(JUST THEN, WHAM the cereal goes all over the floor, table and under whatever it could scamper under, the child spilled it all over the kitchen.)

Guy one: SEE I told you, what did I tell you guys?

Girl one: Yeah but, but, but...

Guy two: HEY wait did you not say this kid was a GENIUS?

Both Guy one & Girl one: Yeah yeah so what?

Guy Two: Well he really IS a Genius!

Both Guy one & Girl one: What are you talking about now???

Guy Two: See this kid is so smart he has the whole damn box of cereal THINKING OUTSIDE OF THE BOX!!!!

OMG, so maybe that was not as funny to you as it was to me, but living my life in corp. America for so long, all we ever heard was THINKING OUTSIDE OF THE BOX! Urggg...at any rate that was funny as hell!

I also found the COOLEST Site just now by accident even! Check THIS out! Now tell me, is it true that ALL fast food companies look for LOSERS?

More on THIS cool site later....

2002-03-26T21:53:00.000-06:00

We are what we are, because we is what we is...

On my way to Baton Rouge Saturday it became painstakingly obvious that something is moving across this Country that frightens me. Literally scares the HELL right out of me. It is the talk about Christ from people who abhor him! It is not that I am this sanctified Christian who walks in the firm belief of God and his son Jesus, I too have my own questions and even crosses of burden to deal with. But rather all of this talk about how horrible it is that a sports player would EVER (upon the fresh win of a game and upon being interviewed for the win of that game), state, “I would first like to thank God, since without him I would not have made it here today!” See on my way down South of Texas I actually heard a sports announcer curse a sports player for thanking God before he said another word. This sports caster actually went as far as saying (this took him all of fifteen minutes people!) that where was HIS GOD when the team was not winning? He actually said that GOD has no place in sports, just like “it” has no place in schools! That GOD is a feel good THING! A FEEL GOOD THING? After listening to this man rant on about how sports players who prayed at games, before or after, were nothing but losers who were misguided with a false idol! MISGUIDED? The entire time this fifteen minutes played out I was so shocked that well, that I could not even change the channel! He went on to say how God has not done anything for anyone and how the bible was just a bunch of tales told to make people feel guilt and do the right things out of fear! And how God was really just societies problem because those that believe in such fables are the very ones who are destroying this Country! Again, utter shock spewed over my face. The last straw was when after this man gave his audience this very long drawn out opinion about God and Sports, he then added, “Oh but don’t get me wrong, I know there probably IS a God out there somewhere but I personally could not imagine a God actually sitting back while the world starves, hurts and hates, so he must be a really damn week God!” FLIP, my fingers finally found the button on the radio as my brain signals finally caught up with the fingers at the best moment!

No, I am not a Jesus Freak, but I do know that there is a God out there and even as much as I love Science, I still would bet my life that this God had something to do with why I am here; why we are all here even. Then of course after hearing all of that, I started to pay more close attention to certain things. Such as the people talk, act and believe. Like I said, I am far from perfect, but what I saw astounded me. Is it just me or has anyone else noticed that our current society is missing so many things from it? Like MORALS for an example? Or what about honesty, integrity, and love? How the value of a life has become no more than a replacement part in waiting for the next “mouth to be born”? How children are killing parents, parents are killing children, races are killing each other and the word “kill” means something like Arnold from the Terminator? How people are lost and are constantly looking for something that will make them happy? How most everyone is not happy? How we are now deemed a culture who is over medicated and under educated? I may not be a Jesus freak but I am at least smart enough to see when there is something very wrong in the world! And it seemed that when church and this God were more prevalent the problems of today were not near as problematic as they are today!

Growing up I had a preacher tell me once, “You can not be both Good and Evil, which means that God (good) and the Devil (bad) cannot both reside inside your heart at the same time, one is going to win over the other….” I believe that is true. Just thinking about the man/woman who killed someone and then went home to their family to be a family without a care in the world is enough to make me believe that. It is one thing to down right not believe there is a God but a whole different ball game when those same people criticize those people that do believe in God. Maybe, just maybe I am taking all of this too seriously, but then looking at the news headlines everyday, I have to shake my head and say, “No, I don’t think so.” There really is something not right with the world today, if it is because we are going down a “Godless” road then so be it. Because I dare say when God was thought of as a higher power by more people, this world was really a little bit of a better place to live in….

2002-03-23T18:49:00.000-06:00

This next line has to be the best damn line of the century! I mean for what it's worth, I roared laughing holding my gut even when it sprang out at me.

I'm not sure which id find more oxymoronic. The Porsche SUV or the BMW Skateboard!

If you want inspiration and have not read this yet then please, go read it, it was wrote from the heart and in a very good way!

2002-03-22T00:09:00.000-06:00

So no one is perfect.

Perfection. Just the word makes me tummy grow into knotts! P E R ---F E C ---TION!!!! Yuck. Humans, are not perfect. One who thinks he/she is perfect is obviously a God, as if you did not know that? Eventhough, I think I met the most perfect of all Gods today, obviously I am seriously delusional! It's not possible, therefore it is not real! *Waking up now from this dream...*

I am not a chatter really. I never have been a good "AIM" friend or a "YAHOO" buddy. There are only a few good men who have gotten my time at all, and they know who they are and if you have not gotten any of my time, don't think too much of it; I just do not do the chat thing all that well. This may surprise some who think I have tons to say, well I do, but phones and chat are just not something I have had loads of time for. Now my group chats, that is totally different, those I miss. Just like I miss the irregular chats I have had with the few people I have had them with. Again, time is not my friend, need I say more? You can eat up a whole day on chat and sit there at midnight and wonder where in the hell the day went? Funny though, I did find out today that I am Rainbow cute! Beats being a babe I think?

Well hell it's about F-U-C-K-I-N-G-T-I-M-E-D-A-M-N-I-T!

If you have not heard it, then get your ass on a ball and ROLL onto Girl's Version of Friends and Family!!!

If anyone knows the lead singer of this band, Have a heart, send him to Dallas will ya? *Doug Moore* Three words here: Oh....la....la.....sigh....ok four...

2002-03-20T21:05:00.000-06:00

My little pride and joy...

It seems like everyone has been a bit under the weather the past few days, I of course, have been no different. However, eventhough I am not going to make it to the DFW Blogger event due to me still being sick today thank you very much, I am at least feeling a little bit better. There has been a massive gross virus going around, and it found it's way into my bod. I do not like catching such crap, makes me angry even. But, since I am human believe it or not just like everyone else out here believe it or not, I DO have feelings and DO catch the occassional virus that floats my way. At this point, anything is better than a damn ear infection, those are the death of me! So I will blog, eat chicken noodle soup (if I can actually keep that down) and retire to a good book.

After reading a comment on Surreally about a woman who lived with her lover who had two children, one of which was very violent, I felt compelled to talk about my own little pride and joy. SHOCK? Yes, I know, I have made it a very big no-no to mention that part of my personal life for several reasons. One major one is because my pride and joy does not live with me. Most people would not understand that, nor would they try, so I don't even try to explain it all. People are people, they think what they want to even when the truth is sometimes right there for their taking. At any rate, that is just one reason out of a million as to why I won't talk about my pride and joy, but for sake of any further arrant banter, I will leave it at that. My Ex-husband, reading this no doubt, will be full of shock that I am even talking about this. And why I am is simple, when I feel this compelled, I know there is a reason for it. I use to ignore those strong feelings, now I have grown to understand they are not evil strong feelings seeking to place me in the pits of doom but they are the part of my supposedly dormant brain telling my active brain it picked up on something and the active side is just not seeing or looking at it. We all have this, I am not special in any means, some of us just have it a little stronger than others. Some of us just actually use it or it is so loud we cannot stuff it away and forget it.

When I was pregnant with her I wanted to be Mrs. Mom by the book so to speak. No one could smoke around me, I was insistent on this! One night my Ex and I were on our way home from some party or gathering. He lit up a cigarette in the confines of the closed up car and it being freezing outside, needless to say, I freaked! Hell my Mother smoked with all of her kids and I SAW what that produced! I would be damned if anything was going to infiltrate my womb and have the chance to harm my little infants brain or body! I promptly told him to get rid of that NOW! When he refused, I proceeded to (in my anger and my wonderful hormonal array) snatched the ash tray out of it's place and pitched it out the window. Humpf, I though, showed his little ass! He saw at this point, that I obviously was very pasionate about what I said and promptly pitched the cigarette out of his window. We did not talk for several miles when he finally said, "You know in the morning, you are going to be pissed at the hole in the dash up there..." Then we busted out laughing because he was right and my hormones were just doing sky dives at the time and I got pissed over a small thing. Had I given him a chance, he would have put the cigarette out for gosh sakes! But that should show you how just-so I was about my baby. I drug him to Lamaz, which he did with a smile. I made him buy me all sorts of good food which he did always on his way home from work. WE were going to have the perfect child, the smartest kid, and then the most intelligent adult of the universe! That was settled! I went to have my check-ups like clockwork, I did not gain much weight, I watched everything I did, ate, drank, you name it.

At about 3 1/2 months I went for my check-up. The nurse asked the usual questions and I gave mostly the usual answers except I told her that I had been having some pains and maybe I was doing too much? She looked at me, though not as concerned as I had imagined, and had me get ready for the doctor to come in. My Ex was at home sleeping for this visit, he had worked some long hours and he was working at night, plus I could handle this. When the doctor came in he asked me about the pains almost right off. By now, I did see the concern the nurse had done well at keeping from me. I told him as much as I could and he told me to let him take a look. The pains I was having at the time, were these pains that felt like pressure and then like a sharp knife sort of going into my spine so to speak. I had not started to spot or anything at the time, but by the time the doctor was "taking a look" I had begun this. At that point, the doctor was very concerned and asked me if I could get my husband there? He then proceeded to tell me a little bit about what was going on. The words still are very loud in my head today. You are effaced 100% and dialated to almost a two. Which simply means, he said, your body is rejecting this baby. I am a very strong person by nature, and this was no different. I called my Ex, and he came in. The doctor sat both of us down in our shock and explained to us just what options we had. A) We could let this proceed as "God" intended so to speak and let things happen as if in nature, or B) we could try to keep her inside me long enough to grow enough that she would have a chance at survival when she did come into the world. It was obvious at the time of the tests that he ran, she was not getting much of the food I ate. She was very tiny even at that second trimester. The second option would mean we were playing "God" but that if God intended for this infant to not be born, there was no medication in this world that would stop what was happening. I did not have a Mother to call and get advice or help, that was just not an option, she did not care either way believe me. I was confused, hurt, upset, just about everything you could think of, that was where I was at emotionally. I went from being a perfect little prego to a dysfunctional almost not prego woman. It hurt. I wanted to scream! My Ex had this cousin whose girl friend was pregnant. They smoked like trains and smoked pot like air planes! I was angry. Her pregnancy was going just splendid! What gives? My Ex and I made the choice to try. Neither of us was really strong enough I don't think looking back now, to make the other choice. The doctor put me on meds that would keep the tractions at bay and would have some harsher side affects on me. Imagine a rat on cocaine, now you know how I was for the next several months. That and I was not allowed to do anything, but eat, keep my feet up, stay off my feet or end up in the hospital. It killed me. I would sit there in my rocking chair that I got just so I could rock her, and shake with tears dripping down my cheek. When my Ex was there, I tried to be positive as I always tried to be, but then it normally would show when I would just break down and bawl or just want to stay in bed with the covers up over my head. The drugs were taking their toll on me and I could only imagine what they were doing to the fetus inside me though the doctor swore they would not hurt the fetus. Finally, when I had gotten to the point of near crazy I think, my Ex and the doctor both almost at the same time said enough was enough. He rans some tests and said she should be able to have a chance to live now if we took you off the medication and you promptly went into labor. Within a few days, I felt even better, even more happy and more like the young woman who aspired to have a future little Einstein in the very near future.

In the end, I did go into labor not long after the medication was out of our system. She ended up being born via a very urgent and serious C-section. There was no time to care flight me to the nearest larger hospital and there was no time to make anything right with anyone in case I died, this was just it. In the course of three hours, I went from giving birth to looking at heaven from the operating table. The C-section was massive, to the point that they litterally had to get her out in the course of several minutes or we could both be lost. There were no choices for the type of vain "cut" I wanted, they just CUT and ripped if they had to, they had no time to care about such vainity. She came out at 5 pounds and of course lost weight in the matter of hours that infants do. She was born healthy, normal, beautiful! I was proud, my ex was very proud! She had a head full of hair just like her Mom and had her dads nose. She was a beautiful little baby, and that I am not saying because she is mine. She simply was a beautiful infant, still is beautiful today!

Alone in my room, trying to get well from what felt like several stab wounds, while my ex I insisted went on to work, the nuse came into let me see my sweetie. I got to hold her for just a little bit, I was very weak. The nurse gave me meds via my IV and took her out and told me to sleep, I needed it badly. What seemed like only a few minutes but was longer, my doctor came in and woke me up. He asked where my husband was, I told him. He then told me he was sorry he had to tell me this now, with me alone and with everything I had gone through. I felt my tummy learch forward into my throat, I could tell this was bad. I bolted straight up and was fixing to get right out of the bed, even in my condition. He relaxed me down and told me she was ok...now. A little while ago she had ceased breathing he had said. So synthetic, I thought when he had left that night. So steril, so doctorish. She had ceased breathing like it was something all infants do, it was normal. She had suffered a long time without air, he had said. She was clinically dead, he had said. He was going to do the last thing required before a doctor pronounces a body no longer alive, dead. On hospital crash carts they are equiped with adrenal shots/needles. They inject a spurt of adrenaline directly into the heart to "jump start it" with the hopes that the heart would jump back into life. But just then, she gasped for air, which almost made two nurses faint. They forced Oxygen into her little lungs to help her get pure air. Now days they know how much to give premi babies, but back then our sweetie was what made up the numbers for future premies today. She could be brain damaged, he had said. You just never know with the brain, he said. Further tests, long miles to take her to a different facility. An apnea monitor of huge proportions because this was a long time ago and like I said, our sweetie was the stats that has made premies have the ability to grow up normal today. It was hard. It was a bitter begining. Would she live, would she die? I questioned myself because I thought I should have let things go and should have not taken the medication. Why could I not be normal and have a normal freaking birth? What was wrong with me? Baby blues had nothing on me let me tell you! I was already in the middle of feeling as if I was not good enough to have a child, hell I could not even do that right. Looking back I am surprised that my Ex and I lasted together as long as we did. Hell, I can say I have seen a glimpse of it.

Soon, she began to scream constantly. When I had to wake her up twenty times a day to get her to breathe for the first six months, wake her up to force feed her to make her grow, I was so happy when she started to look around. Actually see things? But then the screaming started. Non stop almost. It killed me. I could not do anything right, it seemed. And to me, my baby was in pain, her screams told me that much. Into this doctor's office, out of that one, into the E.R. and into another doctor's office. More tests, and more screaming. Blood curdled normally. My Ex, well he would drink and work to get his break, I would simple take care of her. I was her life line. My Mother was not around, nor did she want to be. My Ex's Mother was wonderful though, she really tried to help as much as she could, I still love her for that! Soon she went from screaming to head banging. Then came the diagnosis of Autistic, Mentally retarded, Sensory Depravation. Around the clock care for her the rest of her life. I suffered two mini nervous break downs and never even realized it until a doctor told me that is what happend. Sad, it was truely sad. He and I grew so far apart. Sure there were good times, but she was such a handful. The constant time she needed, the doctor appointments the therapy of all sorts. She was abusive to me, to her father to anyone and she was only trying to communicate. She just wanted to tell us something. She had pressure on the brain they had said, it causes headaches. Only two years old and she would have headaches of large proportions. There was no nice little nights reading a bed time story with her, one had to force her down to do such a thing. She was not as hyper as you could imagine but her verbage was screaming fits. We both loved her this is obvious, but it was in the end more than either of us together could handle. As she grew and became larger, she became more difficult to control. He and I ended up in a divorce, though we are still very good friends today and look back on what we could have had or could have done. Neither of us hate each other, but we grew old beyond our years dealing with this little girl. She taught me compassion, and taught me so many things that no one could have ever taught me.

There were nights where we could not sleep sound because we would find her in trance like states standing over our bed with an object of some type. We never knew. We always had to watch her, and very close. Sometimes back then, it made me wonder if I had given birth to the devil. It really did get that bad at times. There were days where I would just sit there and cry with her because I was simply too worn out to do anything else. No other children could be safe with her. She would hit, pinch, bite, kick, draw blood if she could and then want to kiss them. She had no conception of love or hate, to her it was simply her way of communication. It was simply insane. Through all of this neither my ex or myself ever beat our special daughter. We would not retaliate with abuse though she abused. It came very close so many times though, I have to admit that, because it was simply very hard. There was no ryhm or reason with her. You just never knew. We were told that the fact that she did not have oxygen for such a long time she was cyonotic, and that she had been poked, proded and wheeled away from us having normal contact with her, she was given the wrong sensory input. She never was able to "bond" with me or her Father. The pain she felt almost instantly at birth and the tests she continued to have to suffer through for so long after, all played a part in her sensory and neuro progress. To her, pain was normal. To us, the pain she caused was violent.

I had read books, watched videos and sat in on groups of people who had children like our little girl. The stories doctors would tell us about how one Mother at her wits end did something horrible to her child. When the population called for a hanging of this woman, I sat there quietly in a scary understanding. It scared the hell out of me, still does, to think that I could imagine that Mother doing what she did. Not accepting it, not being happy but just being in the knowing with her. Understanding her pain, the love she had for her child yet she snapped. This child was like ours, only he decided to play with fire and burn everything down that he could get his hands on. This woman went through jobs after jobs, day care after day care and had to pay for many structures her son would burn down over the course of several years. He would hit her, bite her, kick her, take knives after her and he was only six for God sakes! He too had been without oxygen for a long extended amount of time, poked and needled just like our little girl. He was completed sensory deprived before his first birthday. He too screamed the blood curdle screams day and night, and she managed through it. Her husband eventually left her, he could not stand it any longer. She went to every group therapy she could and took him to every doctor, just like we had done. One day, after he had burned down her garage for the 5th time, she snapped. Everyone so non compasionately would tell her, I would just do to him what he is doing to you, he will stop! By God I would just whip his ass and he will stop! (none of these work with these children, they only stimulate them more!) At that point in this woman's life, she simply snapped and yanked her son she loved so much into the kitchen and held his hand over a flame on the stove, KNOWING this would break him of it! What else would she though no doubt? In the end, she lost her son and she spent several weeks in a mental institution. Eventually she got her son back and lived on prozac no doubt. There really are cases where the child really does look normal but is far worse than any child could ever be that sits in a wheel chair, I assure you! Imagine a Mother/Father who ignores their normal baby? Imagine what they are creating in the end? Violence may breed violence but sensory deprivation breeds a life long condition. And here we were with an infant who already had all of this instilled in her and she was never ever spanked and only held and rocked no less. I remember cursing God if there was one, why did he? How could he? For what reason, hell there was no reason! I was pissed at him, believe me! As time grew on and my patience sustained me, and my husband and I divorced, she grew. She grew up and is better. Not perfect, but she is what the doctors all said she would never be, normal to some degree. She is a lovely young lady who now thinks about boys even. This past weekend, we went shopping. We picked out a short skirt that she saw all the other girls wear and wanted it. She wanted to fit in! She wanted to be a part of something. That in itself was an accomplishment from years ago. She is actually seeing and not seeing blind. She has become aware of what is around her. She is my pride and joy and her Daddy's little girl. We love her very much and would never trade anything that we lived through for her. She has shown me that even in my worst hour, when there is no light, there is still a reason and we have to believe that.

I have tons of books on children like my little girl. I even have studies up the butt and videos. Hell I should have been some type of social counsler or something. In the end though, my experiences have also made me understand violence and violent people. Why they do it, or what could make them do it. I have become a people watcher and a people listner. I am more compassionate than I ever knew possible to be in one human. I live because there is a reason for me, just as you live because you have a reason to be here, and my sweetie has a reason for living and part of that reason was me.

For more information on such conditions in infants you may go here with the understanding that many of these children were put into this condition before they had the chance to develope. The next time you see a man or a woman who has committed an awful crime, consider for a monent for real, what did they go through when they were a child? Because eventhough they may not have been made to be like our daughter was at birth, and maybe they were born normal at birth, if they did not get the nurture they must have as infants, their lack of sensory motivation, love, gentleness and normalness needed to grow up, what they become or have become IS a result. If you want more reading on this, just put in infant sensory deprivation or look at studies done on premature and hypoxia children. Never stop learning, the more you learn about your fellow man, the better you are to help them.

2002-03-20T00:14:00.000-06:00

NO, I did not say go out and do drugs!

Just wanted to clear that up before anything ever came of it. It was brain candy, food for thought. Not even opinion as much as it was GO MAKE YOUR OWN OPINION sort of thing. What inspired me you may ask? People going to prison who should not be there all for the sake of the DRUG WAR, I would say helped me. Said. Done. Moving on.

I have been reading some very disturbing things on web logs. Ok honestly, tonight I have totally messed off my eve reading nameless web logs of importance to someone. It is a tragic scene. There a millions of these things out here, and I do mean millions! There a web logs to tell you how to get the most hits by linking as many faceless people as you can to your own web log. There blogs about how to make the perfect blogger. How about blogs on everything you need to know to spy on other web logs? I mean gezz! Pizza and beer would have sufficed for me if I still were not feeling a wee bit ILL!

Tomorrow is the DFW Web loggers drinking night and I am sure I will not be there. For one, I doubt I will feel that much better by tomorrow. But, I know they will all have fun, it is always fun to hang out with the group. So unless I grow well in the next 15 hours, I doubt I will get to come.

I hope it rains for several days. It is so beautiful! In my office building today I could see these really awesome clouds just floating by. At one point it actually looked as if DFW had this wall of clouds that surrounded it. Very nice.

2002-03-18T20:19:00.000-06:00

Clinton and Enron, the Real ties!

Here is a story a friend sent me about Clinton and Enron which actually details the fact that Congress cannot pin President Bush as being so budy-budy with Enron but they can pin Ex-President-should-have-been-impeached, Clinton!

Just the facts Jack!

Which came from CNS news

2002-03-18T18:27:00.000-06:00

Let's talk about drugs shall we?

Ahh...now here is something interesting to bring up after the Super Bowl and after everyone else has already said their feelings on the whole commercial thing. These commercials have been aired on the Super Bowl spots and now anyone who watches small amounts of T.V. will also see these adds. I read, "White House Office of Drug Control Policy: The federal government will spend somewhere in the range of $3 million to air two spots with a very pointed message. Directed by Tony Kaye (American History X), they make the case that using drugs helps to fund international terrorism." If you have seen these adds then you have heard, "IF you have ever purchased a joint, you MAY have helped terrorist, blah blah blah..." Here is the thing though, none of us may recall the liquor prohibition days, but the people of that erra were told that liquor of all kinds was not only evil but down right not healthy for you. It would control you and make you do things not good and so on. However, what prohibition did for people was try to control them and make choices for them and thus made liquor a big underground business, which flourished I might add. There were just as many Judges and political men who frequented their local "liquor" providers as was the common folk. Finally the Government at that time realized how much more money they could be taking in if they not only legalized it but had just a little bit of control as to what was being produced. Hence, Old snake down on County Road to nowhere would not blow up the town in a druken fit while attempting to make his best home brew! The Government realized that if they let it be sold and produced they not only could control it they could tax the hell out of it and everyone was happy, except for the Snakes in the world who still have family brew burried in many places yet to be unearth today! And so it was, the Government still taxes liquor to the hilt and any establishment who wants to sell it with their food normally has to foot a liquor license fee of application and so on. Government = Control, and they LOVE control!

In comes the "War on Drugs". Not only are we having a war on something all the time it seems, but we have addressed drugs as a combative entity that needs complete annihilation from the complete world society! We have drug tasks forces, we have drug lords, we have drug fights, drug wars, we have so much drug stuff going on that even if one never understood drugs according to their Governments, via osmoses they would become experts on the drug problem according to their government. No this is not a stitch on why we should legalize all drugs, no not a bit. This is a stitch of the W.T.F. line.

Drugs are big money. People will go out and spend their rent money on them just so they can have them. They will avoid income tax production just to make the money free and clear and easy. They will sell them to get some for themselves as well as make the money. Dealers hook kids on drugs for the future of their quality business. People get killed because of them. The mental health industry (and yes it is an industry) thrives on maintaining drug rehab programs rather than the much needed true mental health programs society is in desperate need of today! So we let those mental patients walk the streets now and call it a severe homeless problem. Many of these people in need of freaking legal drugs and yet cannot get them or cannot remember to take them. Yet unlike the prohibition years, the Government has found good money on this war against drugs. The extra jobs it has created in all walks of this society has proven to be big money too.

Many countries have already realized that they can do more good on the "War on Drugs" if they tried to "control" the drugs and have the users use in a somewhat safer and controled environment. Offer needles, which in the U.S. you cannot get unless there is a medical need yet we wonder how come the needle users use the same needles over and over again, spreading aids. The Health Care industry suffers loss when a druggie comes into the hospital with an over dose and no health insurance, or we as tax payers pay for that druggie to go to the high dollar mental health rehabs or get "clean" or use their medical card to get treatment when they do something stupid like over dose. And that does not mention the health care industries "pay back" with all of those drug tests that have to be performed for people who want to work legal jobs or drive a truck for god sakes! Drug testing in the Trucking industry is so damn pathetic it is unreal! Random drug screens must be performed in all trucking companies by law. It is a random system that pulls the name of a driver out of the air and they are sent to the doctor to "pee in the bottle" so that they can determine if the driver is impaired. If a driver has an accident, besides the first stop, the hospital if needed, they have to go and get a drug test eventhough the simple motoring public do not have to do the same thing in the event of an accident! I have heard the argument that Pot is not as bad as the rest of the drugs offered today. Whatever! Thats just like saying well 3.2 beer served Oklahoma style is far better than the 6.2 beer (or whatever percent it is) served up in Texas. Or that beer is not as bad as liquor. This war on drugs is almost like, "IT goes to the highest bidder...and we all get a kick bad dammit thats the rules!"

And then comes the American Government saying that if I have ever purchased any type of "Illegal drug" then I probably contributed to Terrorism. Hmm....really? Well if they are going to say that then they also need to say, "IF you ever clipped and used a coupon, you probably contributed to Terrorism." Or if you ever sold anything to anyone over seas, you may have contributed to Terrorism! That damn list is endless kids! 1997 - Every year, U.S. manufacturers lose hundreds of millions of dollars through grocery coupon fraud. According to investigators, a substantial portion of those illicit profits is used to underwrite terrorism -- including the World Trade Center bombing.

2002 - "Did coupon fraud help fund Sept. 11th? I believe it contributed to the funding of Sept. 11th, yes," said Ben Jacobson, a private investigator with Peregrine Group in Miami." Ok so where in the hell are those Super Bowl commercials? The idea of saying that if anyone (painting everyone with a broad brush) purchased an illegal drug you may have contributed to terrorism is insane! Not impossible, but insane. Hell anyone that smokes and has purchased the out-of-ordinary cheap ass pack of cigerettes from that street vender dude, well you too have contributed! Actually if anyone here in America pay taxes that help to finance our own Government, WE have supported terrorism and this not equal to the support against terrorism since September 11th. And all of this "filler" here brings me to why I wrote about this in the first place. People will do what people want to do. You place rules within a "State" to help establish a "society" or even an "educated society" that lives within context of a set of accustomed rules. However, by making drugs illegal one has to search the pros and cons of the legitimacy of such a law. How feesable is it that we lock these drug offenders for longer sentences which precludes the need for larger prisons and yet we still have a huge problem with drugs which shows that the longer sentence cycle has not even touched the pimple of the drug business ass! A person who is caught with a firearm, registered or not, and has drugs on them with the intent to distribute, will get a longer sentences than the Hockey Dad who killed the other Hokey coach Dad! Now try to figure that crap out? (I did tell you all this was going to be along the W.T.F. stitch!)

I wonder what would happen if the U.S. made the illegal drugs legal? I have read umpteen million theories on this subject that include how bad our society would be if such a law was passed. Yet today we have more legal drugs to help "pacify" our innhibitions now how could they think society would be any the worse off? They have euphoria drugs to help you get through your "hard" life, sexual drugs to help you well you know not get through your hard life but to have a harder life. We have pills that correct what other pills screw up. There is just about as many drug advertisements on T.V. as there are car commercials and there is a hell of a lot of them! Yet the Government tells ME that if I ever purchased an ILLEGAL drug I PROBABLY contributed to what happend on September 11th. What has the Government done to HELP what happend on September 11th? That list is even more endless than the war on drugs data base! The fact of the matter is that people are people. If the Governent says it is illegal to smoke a joint or sniff cocain or inject heroin, it is NOT going to stop those activities from going on and it has been proven that amongst controlled drug educated Countries who ARE winning the war on drugs in that the legalization of drugs in a controlled environment has actually made the problomatic drug problems almost non-existant. I have read many stories on this, as I said earlier, however David Boaz from the CATO Institute could not have said all of this any better! Federal withdrawal from the drug war would be an acknowledgment that our current drug policies have failed. It would restore authority to the states, as the Founders envisioned. It would save taxpayers' money. And over time it would allow us to develop an approach to drug use that abandons prohibition and massive incarceration in favor of a common-sense system in which the propensity of some people to use drugs is accepted and dealt with sensibly. The "Drug War" has become just about as stupid (yes I SAID STUPID) as is the Nations schools ZERO TOLERANCE FIASCOS! Wake-up Americans before you have no free America with which to live; but rather we all have to suffer a Socialists Society!

(Editors Note: I have just gotten an e-mail about my post that included several links about just this topic. I want to include them here and I want to point you to one directly that is related. The DOJ, we all have known, does monitor web pages. This could be good, this could be bad, either way it should still never limit the freedom of speech by the individual being worried about inquiry or prosecution on the grounds they maybe selling drugs or promoting illegal activities! Here that one is:

The NDIC said five types of people should be targeted, including previous drug offenders, legalization advocates, anarchists and people promoting "an expanded freedom of expression" that pushes the boundaries of the First Amendment.

Then the following are all really interesting reads:

Gov admits to spying on drug reformers

"It puts us in a very difficult position," Wasden said. "On the front end, officers don't know what amount can legally be possessed for medical purposes.
"On the back end, if it's found to be medical marijuana, what is the expectation of the Police Department? You could easily have a situation where a state court tells us to return the marijuana, yet federal law tells us it is illegal to distribute the drug."

My family should read

2002-03-15T19:37:00.000-06:00

Going out of town for this weekend, be back Sunday night. Have a great wonderful weekend!

2002-03-15T00:01:00.000-06:00

Exhausted!

Work was very exhausting. I was so excited though, because the other day I had the chance to talk to a V.I.P. with the County Morgue! Hell this is the closest I have gotten into the Morgue since I had been banging on the doors to get in ALIVE that is! This person is actually a chief investigator, which is all the more better for me. At any rate, I got a little note from him today, it made the whole day worth while so to speak. Taking investigative photos is still something I really want to do, and something I am good at. I have not ruled that out, it has just taken somewhat of a spot on the back burner waiting for the opportunity to jump. I have been playing with my digital camera and really, I should show you all some of my photos but I just am not ready for that yet I don't think. The transition needless to say, has been hard for me to make. I still miss my camera and it is loaded with pure quality black and white chrome film. I pass by it several times a day, on my way out the door to work and on my way in the door from work. When I take Mr. Yeller dog outside, I have to see it. When I bring him in I see it. I am thinking I am going to have to put it away before my body does something like calls in sick just so I can bask in a whole day of nothing but creativity produced by me! At this point with deadlines on projects that need to be met, I think that would not be a good judgement call on my part let alone a good career move. Next week marks spring. I am ready for spring but not ready for the Texas heat. I cannot stand the Texas heat. It seems like just when the days are so nice, it gets all hot around here! I have a wonderful swimming pool and can't wait to use it, but I still do not want those 100 degree temps all over again! I am thinking I am ready for change. At any rate I will share some of my photos soon, just not too soon. Which I am sure all of you will have no problems waiting, since you all have shown so much patience with me in the past. Sigh, thats about all I can muster out of my brian this eve. Sorry gang, I am just too exhausted!

NOTE: Want to see Lord of the Rings in Lego?

2002-03-13T22:08:00.000-06:00

Very Important Info!

This is very important Information! My so called Sister who has a daughter (FYI: She is the one in the stroller.) and who is going to marry the guy in that picture, is a sex offender! (the neighborhood has a right to know!) If all of this was not so sad I would actually just have to laugh at my Mother MARIE and her Mini Me clone sister Deanna!

This is the last blog about the two very sick individuals above. I refuse to waste my energy on them any further, and that is what it is, a waste! But you know if you all want to go visit the very classy site and say hello to them, I am sure they would enjoy anything you may want to tell them, but remember, they love to abuse and to be abused, so please keep that in mind.

(Did you miss what she and Marie said? Not to wory it's all right Here!

F.Y.I.

*Pristine washing her hands of the garbage and going on with her life that is suppose to be so bad! *

2002-03-13T19:31:00.000-06:00

In Between Dances

Mr. B has been sick. He has made the most beautiful Web design with several little perks he added such as my black painted rose. I have decided to maintain the name Pristine's Ledge, I love that word and name, why change now. At any rate, when he gets well KD, Mr. B and Me hope to get it up and going. (I hope Mr. B does not mind me giving you all a little glimps.>

Now next order of biz, I wanted to tell everyone that good friends are hard to find. Though perfect friends can never be found. Having said that I want to say that Chris and Johnny count as very good friends. I love them both just like I love you as sure as I sit here on my puter with the mellow drawl of my keys making noise. Friends are not easy to come by. You cannot choose who your family members are, but you can sure choose who your friends are!

Huggles all of you, and Good night.

2002-03-12T23:31:00.000-06:00

I feel great! Thats all I can say tonight. I feel great!

2002-03-11T23:32:00.000-06:00

Well it is good to know that things are back to normal around here. My transition to my new web log should be complete very soon. I want to thank all of those working on it and I especially want to thank KD! Thank you KD, you have been the best bud and you have been of the most help to me, you will be blessed!

2002-03-11T23:28:00.000-06:00

Hello Marie, Hello Deanna. I hope you all have had fun! I am sure there are more important things you could be doing right now, but no doubt this has been the best past time for the both of you! Make sure you send your thank you notes ladies, I know neither of you were taught to do such things so I am giving you that gentle reminder here. And I am sure you have at least maybe gotten your "fun" out of your systems for a little while, right?

2002-03-11T20:58:00.000-06:00

2002-03-11T18:29:00.000-06:00

2002-03-10T22:22:00.000-06:00

Toady made a wonderful post! I mean this works with ALL humans! How sad people can be when we do not act or do what they feel we should! Or be who they think or feel we should be! I really loved this quote:

Dehumanization of any part of our society opens the door to intolerance, hatred, and violence.! When you take a human that you do not like be that human black, white, gay, or just plain different from you and treat them in anyway way different than you would rather be treated, you are guilty of making the open door to intolerance, hatred and violence! It is one thing to have a slight with someone but it is a whole nother story when you take your anger to others just to blaspheme them or down right try to hurt them! Toady is right, everyone could take in a lesson or two from that post!

2002-03-10T21:45:00.000-06:00

2002-03-10T12:46:00.000-06:00

2002-03-08T23:43:00.000-06:00

2002-03-08T23:00:00.000-06:00

Edited to make this blog look a lot better!

2002-03-07T21:16:00.000-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EINSTEIN!!!

Today would have been Albert's Birthday.....life is so short....so little time to do so many little things....

2002-03-07T20:50:00.000-06:00

Deleted for Chris and Johnny.

2002-03-06T19:57:00.000-06:00

This is just too cool!

2002-03-06T19:17:00.000-06:00

Chris was right, Extreme Tracker was something I have not even looked at in ages! I mean AGES! For me the thing has been just about as helpful as a zit! It never did produce valid results and only monitored "Unique" visits and not all visits. After about two or three months of using that tracker, way back when, I spoke on my blog about how the thing was not working right. It would only show about two to ten visitors per day while my invisible tracking system and my site count system was showing a ton of visitors! He had seen on another blog site he reads that the thing was not producing stats right because it would tag the line everytime you updated your blog on blogger. Kudos to that blogger whoever he/she is, because they are right. However, normally when you update your blog you will get the amp; tags on lines when you use the & too much which I personally do not like to use unless I have to. The & sign has been used in HTML for a long while but in XHTML it is not needed, or rarely if ever. (there are other formats you can use in place of this & sign, it just takes more strokes of your keys) At any rate, I have cut out my Extreme useless tracker from my web log, I mean if I am not even using it, why keep it? Besides if you have DSL you should also have a free "ghost" tracker systems offered. Or as in my DSL service, it offers tracking period. I guess it depends on how much you want to pay. So if you are an extreme tracker and a blogger users, your stats are not working right because of this, either manually go into it (if your addicted to your tracker) and delete those amps from your code or just cut it out all together. Either way, in my opinion the thing is a pain in the ass, so thanks Chris.

2002-03-05T22:25:00.000-06:00

J. D. Salinger - A humble synopsis

I am bookworm! I admit it! I can go into a book store and be happy as a kid in a toy store for hours on end! Sometime back I had decided to start to re-read some of those great old books we were forced into reading in High School. And I dare say that most of my class was busy making book report purchases, not that I ever sold any, no way not me; however Cliff notes were the hottest thing when I was in High School. I never understood why someone would purchase a cliff notes book when they got the real book free from school and hell most of the time the books were less than 300 pages long! The first book on my list to re-read in my adult state of mind was, The Catcher in the Rye. The web sites I have found all offer their opinions of just what J.D. Salinger was trying to convey to his readers in his main character, Holden. However, if you read the book which I so encourage all of you to do now that you are all adults, you need to keep in mind that J.D. Salinger was a reclusive individual who rarely went out into the world. His daughter has since tried to explain what it was like to live with a reclusive famous Father. For this educational post I want to just do a very short (IMHO) synopsis of what the Salinger book was truly about.

In an interview J.D. Salinger was asked if there would be a sequel to, “The Catcher In The Rye”. He, in a haughty tone said, “Why? IT is all in the book, [The Catcher in the Rye] what more needs to be told?” “There is nothing else, read the book, re-read it if you need to, but your answers are in black and white, there will be no more Holden!” First of all, one of the authors notes was on the first few pages: “TO My Mother” The second clue, if you will, on Mr. Salinger is the fact that he is and had been for years a recluse. Two things that say many words to the intuitive mind; To my mother and reclusive. This should tell one that Mr. Salinger may or may not have some issues he is/was dealing with. The whole entire book tells the reader what sort of state of mind Salinger was writing in through is virtual character Holden. I would go as far as to say that Holden was actually, Salinger in his own mind.

In the end, the whole point of this book an adult could understand/comprehend, yet a younger persons mind would not find it’s answers unless they were very intuitive beyond their years. The ideas young people would get from this book would not be near as keen as those of us who are upwards of 25 or more. The book talks solely about an American Teenager in the early part of the Century who had to deal with the death of a very close younger brother at an early age. This issue was clearly unresolved as Holden explains to the reader how he, “….busted out all of the Garage windows and would have done the family car too but by then his hands were all messed up…” The point being this is an issue that he has yet to resolve even today. The next clue into Holden’s mind was how he geared himself towards the youth with his actions/words, yet he maintained his existence with much older people. What he wanted to be/do and going into clubs and trying to fit into them with an older sect. Holden also in the end, alluded to the possibility that he was at some point in his life sexually molested. The quote, “Thanks a lot,” I said, “G’by!” The elevator was finally there. I got in and went down. Boy, I was shaking like a madman. I was sweating too. When something perverty like that happens, I start sweating like a bastard. That kind of stuff’s happened to me about twenty times since I was a kid. I can’t stand it.” These feelings and thoughts were brought on by one of Holden’s favorite past Teachers who while Holden was sleeping, patted him on the top of his head and awoke Holden up. When Holden asked, “What the hell you doing?” His past teacher says, “Just admiring you is all.” Mind you his past teacher and his wife could not have children, he was a teacher and he loved young people, wanted to help them. Holden overreacted to an affectionate pat of a caring person who was worried about him. More unresolved issues. Or clues. The final verse of this book that gives the reader the entire jest of J.D. Salinger was the piece of paper that this same teacher gave to Holden to which he said he, “Still has it to this day.” That piece of paper said:

The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.”

Clearly with the comments of Holden’s hormones going crazy, as most teenagers do, his many unresolved issues, his constant refusal to try in school though in the end he actually tries to teach a few other boys about one subject he failed in at Pency, and that fact that he had in the end said he was in a place to get well because he got sick and all tells the reader that he really was sick and had many unresolved issues that he would/will work through with the hopes of growing up to be the mature man who lives humbly for a cause and not the one who dies nobly for a cause.

If you have not read the book (again even), I cannot encourage you enough to do so. GO. READ.

2002-03-05T21:07:00.000-06:00

No news is good news right?

I have to say I have been rather incognito these past several days, and I apologize for that. Let me bring all of you up to the speed of my life. (hope you have brakes on those sneakers, cuz you may need them!) Normally, my life moves fast and of course these past several days have not been any different. My plans were to go to Oklahoma this past weekend, the weather sort of took care of that. I thought I would just stay around the loft and mess with my new digital camera. At least when I talked to Toady who was freaking because Tulsa was getting major amounts of the white stuff, that was my plan. I ended up going out of town anyway, and seeing some of the ice and white stuff myself. I got a call on my cell phone that I had lost a family member on Friday. I did not get the call until Sat. So, I began to make my trek back to Dallas and of course it took forever due to the road conditions around these parts! One thing you can count on around here is that they will not do a thing to the roads, I am not sure they really know how to do anything! After visiting with Family until late Sunday, I made my way back home, very sleepy and exhausted. My Monday morning came early and I did make it into work only to leave on comp time so I could attend the funeral. I do not like funerals. For the most part, they are gatherings of people who have not seen each other in a very long time and it hurts me to see everyone who missed this years reunion come to a funeral. It is almost like a social hour in front of the dead. At any rate, I made it through it all and got home and took a nap.

My service provider has some issues as of last night. (I imagine it was the cold?) haha yeah ok whatever! At any rate I am here now, but last night I could not even hook up if I had to save my life. My e-mails were bulking all over the place, and it has taken forever to get through them so please be patient with me. However, I did get one interesting one that I won't go into detail with but let me say this: I refuse to go to my sister's so called blogspot. I will not fart around with them any longer since it appears that they (my Mother too) are so ignorant that there is no hope of any type of intelligence seeping into their brains. I did see the post in which you referred but after that, I figured why waste my valuable time? And that is what it is when you go there, a waste. So what I am saying is I would not even oblige their dumb meanderings with any sort of comments, it only fuels the insanity believe me! I think that should clear up any further banter at least, so take my advice, just forget em! Life is way too short, it really is. I would rather be happy and not always depressed about the state of this Country knowing there are more of them than there are of me and you! But I do thank you for your concern. Huggles!

I am going to do some photo posting/selling I think. I have so much stock and I can always use the extra money. I have also been offered a discrete contract with a local place here in Dallas to show/sell some of my photos. I am reviewing the contract now and will keep you all posted. It is a nice little deal, sweet actually, so I may try it with a few of my so-so photos. I figure if I use a few of them that I am not that attached to when they sell I won't feel that bad. Sad, right? I take all of these photos but then I just hate to let them go because they are all such a part of me! But then what artist ever really wanted to let go of their hard work? Not many. Maybe that is why most of them never hit big until they die? Just a thought anyway.

Have you been here lately? Yeah I know, I think I am going to do some much needed work on this site. It is way past time I tried to get out some new material, it is in the works people.

I am also going to move this page SOME freaking day! A really sweet man I know who I may add is one of the best web designers I know, has this very awesome looking web look for me! I would show it to you all now but I do not have his ok. When he gives me the thumbs up, I will share, but not until then. I am going to have KD's host also host mine. I have been overly excited about this whole project but I have also been so busy that I have not thought too much about it all. I have thought about my own host and all but I want to help KD out if I can, I mean I would have to pay for my own host so why not give it to a good person and let her host me? She is a sweetheart and I cannot wait to meet her in August! Which makes me even more excited thinking about Blog Con 2002! I can't wait! It will be so fun, and a great chance to meet all those people behind all of those great blogs!

Work is one area in my life that at this moment I am very satisfied with. I will begin taking classes again soon, so I of course am excited. I want to actually begin, I say BEGIN, to work towards my Masters. The only problem is, I am not really decided on which Masters I wish to go into. I mean I can go all Accounting which I do not want to do in honesty. I can master in business or at least that area. But then I also really enjoy Criminal science and/or education. A masters in some form of education would be nice. I don't know, I am still undecided but what I do know is I am going to at least be moving in that direction. I am telling you all again, very soon to keep up with the amount of money it takes to survive as a productive American and not live off of the hard efforts of others, you will need a Masters in something! The job market is a very touchy place these days and has proven to be even more of a problem for wage earners who have no education. Soon all of those people will be working in the Restaurant business, serving food and just barely making ends meet! I want to see my future just a bit brighter than one day sitting there with a beer in my hand and dreaming of what I could have done or what I could have been. That and I am an education junky, I admit it! I could go to school everyday for the rest of my life if I could get paid to do it! Too bad there are no studies going on about the affects of a person who goes to school their whole entire life..

2002-03-02T15:37:00.000-06:00

And just when you thought I was not looking.

Some deal this day turned out to be! First came the wind and the sleet, and then came the cold. No I am serious here, it is freaking cold and I am so not bitching. I love it when it is cold. Wish it could be much cooler here in Texas anyway. Most everyone at Café Brazil just happened to be bitching about the weather. I am thinking why bitch? It is what it is and you cannot change it no way, so just enjoy the fact that well you get to enjoy something right? (I am on a major caffeine high right now so excuse me.) Can’t help that either, I am addicted to coffee. Any coffee! I love coffee! Café Brazil is one of my favorite haunts I tell ya! Not only do you get local Deep Ellum flavor at that joint you also get loads of really far out people to watch! Example: Navel dudes on leave from the academy. They come to Dallas with a friend who lives here. Parents want them to see the “local” junk, aka Deep Ellum, West End you know the places. And they end up sitting right next to me. Two of them are gay, no problem with that. Two are down right freaking SEXY, I really CAN deal with that! The last two well they are just about my type of talkers, Einsteinish so to speak. Next enters couple number one. This couple, cold as it is outside, has on summer junk to ahhh…I guess fit into the Deep Ellum flavor or something. The girl has on a freaking halter top. Yeah OK really sexy when it is freaking freezing outside! The guy has on jeans with major ass holes all through it, like I said, it’s freezing outside. You can always tell the locals from the freaks who try to fit in and we all just shake our heads, take another sip of coffee and smile. You have the guys who are working on gas lines there too. One just out of prison sporting some really low priced ink tats and of course you have the woman who have the feathered scarf around her neck who is about 80 years old taping her foot to Edie Brackell and singing:

I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know if you know what I mean
choke me in the shallow water
before I get too deep
What I am is what I am are you what you are or what?

Looking around even more I could only grin at the Saturday going by before me. And how I wished I could just restart this day ten times over again because I really do not want it to end, at least not for a while. Funny how some days are like that.

I am such a bookstore nut! I mean whenever I get into a bookstore it is like a man inside a car dealer of fine imports! I can’t help it! I either need to marry a man who owns a book store where I can take my pick whenever I feel the urge, or marry a guy who owns a million books that I have yet to read. Have you ever thought about just how many books there are in this world? BILLIONS I bet! I wonder if there is one place where every book that was ever printed is housed? You know besides a library and all. Not that the Library has every book that was ever printed because I am sure it does not, but can you imagine the building that would take? Imagine me growing old and getting lost inside that joint? I could. Just the smell of new books gives me a shiver! Yeah well that’s just one of my little flaws I guess, if you must think of it as a flaw that is.

The most brilliant animal that was ever created (in my humble opinion that is) is the:

Just look at them! They are what life is all about. When I was really young I wrote this story about them. Something about how each feature meant something to me. The neck, meant how life is a long journey and we had to make the best of it. How their legs were thin as most woman wanted to be and most men preferred their woman to be. The spots were like that of snow flakes in a perfect snow storm, not a single one was the same and each were a gift from the artist who created them. I guess if I had a choice of which animal I would want to be it would have to the Giraffe! What about you? Have you ever thought about that or is just me who thinks these strange things?

I want one like this because I really do want to know how many party noisemakers can be stuck up one’s nose!

2002-03-02T11:42:00.000-06:00

Imagine me as this:

Which Firearm are you?
brought to you byStan Ryker

Thanks to Dodd!

2002-02-28T22:52:00.000-06:00

It appears that my analogy of parents being held accountable is actually doing really well. For parents who do not account for their children and make sure they are in school, many states are putting the parents in jail. I am all for it! I mean if you cannot make your kid go to school then you are not dealing with them. I say put the blame where the blame really should be, with the parents! However, naturally the ACLU does NOT agree. Not that anyone should have thought that the group would actually agree with holding the responsible party RESPONSIBLE! Hell no, not the ACLU! They are quoted as saying, “The problem here is motivating children, and I don't believe throwing their parents in jail will accomplish that. This said by the Kary Moss, ACLU Executive Director. Umm….ok so now lets blame their kids troubles on the TEACHERS??? We all need to give ole’ Kary a great big, “ATTA BOY”!

I am going to be walking in the local MDA walk-a-thon. It is for GOOD CAUSE! In otherwords, if you would like to donate to me for this cause, drop me an e-mail. I can take checks made out to the Muscular Dystrophy Association. My personal goal is $1,000.00, though we are only asked to raise $50.00. I cannot see going and doing this for a lousy $50.00, something I could just fork over myself and not even walk the ten miles. This happens in April so you all have a little bit of time to let me know.

And this is for Chris, I really like this one:

And this one is not bad either:

2002-02-28T19:30:00.000-06:00

Yep, I am still alive

Today is Thrusday yeah and it has been a very long ass week, lets just say that. I cannot wait for tomorrow to be 5:00 PM! I am going out of town! At any rate, I am hungry so I am heading out to get food. I do have to eat once in awhile right? I have a really good post on the way so hang tight.

2002-02-26T21:57:00.000-06:00

A poem is a poem

The little old man looked out into the darkness.
He squinted to see in the utter closeness.
His callused hands, all chapped and raw;
equalled his emotions, distinct and tall.

When finally his eyes they did adjust,
he could only snort in angered disgust!
Since what he saw was nothing new;
only more tragedy for the world to veiw.

Men and woman scurred here and there,
while cars and trucks moved on without care.
People homeless, with no shelter neigh,
wishing but just one wish, that they could fly.
Away from this depth of a sin they were in;
to the glory that had been promised to them.

The old man closed his eyes again,
and leaned back into his hole he called his den;
"Don't go out to the world" he breathed deep within,
stay in, stay in, where you are safe from sin.

He passed that night in the brink before sunrise,
so that nature in it's balance could let someone be born in.
This child that was born in his place,
was sure to grow-up in this old man's space.
Only with time would the world ever know,
that this recycled old man never really let go...

The child would grow and soon take the old man's place,
and try his hardest to fill that deep space.
Not knowing the old man to whom he replaced,
but all the while learning to be only better in his place.

He went out one day, quite close to that hole,
and stood from the top and peered down below,
he spoke in a wisper, a wisper with thurst,
no one could hear him when he sputtered his first:
"I am going out into this world, as I take my place;
I will not hide from this blasted human race!"

As he repeated the first, very soft at first,
he grew louder and stronger with each repeated verse.
He faced this world with a gigantic thurst,
that could only be quenched with this idea of just being first.

The old man gleamed down with pride as he cursed,
if only I could have wanted to just be first!

2002-02-26T18:54:00.000-06:00

The wind in my soul

The wind whipped through the down town buildings. You could hear it howl as it made it’s way down the street and into your face. The street, normally very busy, was almost desolate. No one to be seen or heard, just the howl of the horrendous wind, with a distant flag being belted from north to south and snapping it’s metal brackets upon the pole that stood so gallantly amidst the wind. As I crossed the street, it was almost impossible to maintain my normally fast gaited step. Twice I recalled almost coming to a stop. Wind, in the downtown Dallas area is somewhat a norm. The builders of the awesome glass sky structures seemed to have planned for this, since the downtown area is for the most part in a hole. Build them here, and build them there and as the south or the north wind blows the buildings will act as funnels, which they do. But today, this wind was all of raw, almost reminding a transplanted Northern light that she was back home where she once fought the same types of winds! The wind was actually able to catch my breath in mid lung!

Going up the awesome elevators, one could hear the groan of the building as it swayed ever so gently to the wind’s music. I could tell this was going to be a seaman’s day, not a businessmen’s day at all. Once in my office as I powered up my P.C. for another days work, I could hear the wind outside in an almost angry state. As it whipped here and there the building would sway. Not everyone could feel it, those who are not grounded deep within themselves could not see much difference, but just complained of a headache or a stomachache. Looking out one of the awesome windows I could see Texas Stadium. As I looked I could also see the architecture’s windows breathing, all done to prevent massive trauma to the windows should a violent North Texas storm blow into the building. All done for a good reason, yet still very ominous just the same, it was almost as if the building were alive and was holding it’s occupants hostage from the downtown world. Looking down I could see the life moving in the streets, struggling against the massive wind. One person actually looked as if she were fighting this imaginary being that held her against her will. Another lost his hat and started for it, but then gave up, it was a losing battle to try to retrieve it.

For a few days here in North Texas, we have found the real winter. The beast that so many Texans fight against and lose. While the day showed very short and irritated Texans because of such a simple thing as the weather, I was very happy. I love the bitter cold. It revitalizes the mind, soul and body. It’s a good feeling on your skin when you are not drenched in the humid normal Texas weather. The sun was shinning just as bright as the night’s full moon and it was grand! You can always put more clothing on, I say, but you can never take enough off. In the summer here, I imagine that Texas heat is maybe not as bad as hell but it damn sure can make you not want to find out what hell is!

Getting out of my pick-up and heading to my loft, a homeless man was collecting wood for his nights fire. How lucky we all are that we have a home! How lucky we are that we have heat or air when we demand it, and the money to pay for it! My day was good, it was really good, but when I walked to my building after my day was done and I saw that man collecting wood from trees and branches, I realized just how GREAT my day/life really is. How I should be thankful for what little I do have. And I am. I am a very blessed person considering the life I have had to lead. All things considered I have come out of the fire unscathed and more aware because of it all, and I am thankful for that. I would not ever want to change a single experience I have had because each one, bad or good, has led me, molded me and taken me to the place where I am today. I have been able to find that I do love myself and it’s ok to love one’s self. Without that, not only are you angry at the world, you are very unhappy. I am happy and even more so because today was just a really good day!

Texas Weather Report

2002-02-25T18:26:00.000-06:00

What I am up to...

You know in high school I had to read the story, "Of Mice and Men." For the most part, the school I went to was doing really well just to get any kid to read any book. My school was a bit more tough than the next but the teachers did their best. Those of us who really wanted to learn, they did try to teach us. Many times I felt like it was very unfair that I would have to sit in a class and listen to an English teacher droll on about what certain words that I had learned in grade school ment for those idiots who had made the choice not to learn anything. Yet, I would sit there and be patient thinking just maybe these kids were actually learning something. Of Mice and Men happened to be the most easy story in Literature that the teacher could give us. Though we were issued a list of more difficult choices that we could read and do reports on for extra credit. This, naturally, I did. One of those books was The Catcher in the Rye, which is now part of many a school controversy! To sensor such a book would be a horrible! My Lit teacher use to say, "Those who do not understand will more often persecute, or at least banish." How right he was, how right he was.

For relax time I decided to re-read some of those old greats, Catcher in the Rye, Grapes of Wrath and several of the others that have almost been forgotten. It is no wonder why Colleges have Lowered their admission standards. It is certainly NOT a black/white/hispanic problem it is a people learning problem! Everyone has the right to a free education in America, we all had the right to study no matter what sort of family situation we lived in, we all still had the right. Believe me, I did not have anyone coaching me and telling me to do better, that just did not happen in my home. My parents really did not care either way, they had their own problems they had to worry about and my education was certainly not one of them! So there really is no excuse to not learn in school and make the best of any situation; go on to College and make something out of yourself. Sort of what Catcher in the Rye is about.

In the very begining of this book, the reader is told that Holden had flunked out of several schools and was now going to be expelled from Pencey (an up state prep school) due to failing four of his five classes, he went to say good bye to one of his favorite teachers, Old Spencer his History teacher. Spencer was talking to him about what was to become of him after he left Pencey and Holden just could not answer that. Read this page and then read this one. Notice, one of the major parts of this whole entire book was placed on page 16! It reads (for those of you who will not click on the link): Spencer said, " Do you feel absolutely no concern for your future boy?" (Holden replied) Oh I feel concern form my future, all right. Sure Sure, I do. I thought about it for a minute. But not too much, I guess. Not too much, I guess. Spencer said, "You will boy. You will when it's too late. I'd like to put some sense in that head of yours, boy. I'm trying to help you. I am trying to help you, if I can. Holden thought: He really was, too. You could see that. But it was just that we were too much on opposite sides of the pole, that's all.

It always amazed me when I was fourteen and read that! I was shocked to see that it still amazed me even today! I use to think how Holden must have been some sort of brilliant brain who was just plain lazy because he was aware of what his trouble was and how Spencer was honestly trying to help him, yet he refused. If he was not brilliant, I had written in my seventh grade report, then he was a pure and simple mental case!

Well now that I have gotten your attention here (and hope I got you interested) go get the book and read it. Your report is due by the end of this week. (wink)

2002-02-24T00:03:00.000-06:00

Wanna Laugh?

For those of you who do not know this person, it's sad, he passed away, but have no fear his tapes/cds still live on! Thankfully, Jay Hickman still entertains the hell out of many of us! His "boat ride" CD being a laugh a minute! He has this one skit that talks about McDonalds and the service you get there! Mike pulled out that old tape where Jay was blathering about, "You know at McDonalds they give anyone management positions! If you can say, you want fries with that? You go from lackey to Supervisor. If you can add, Do you want a fried pie with that? You go straight from lackey to management!" I can only imagine what ole Jay could have done with, "We love to see you smile!" In otherwords, if you don't have a Jay Hickman CD in your collection, you really NEED to get one! This is one guy who will have you laughing so hard you could almost (ALMOST) piss in your pants!

When I was in high school I use to work at a local Hardees as a supervisor. It sucked! I could never imagine doing that all over again! The only good thing about it is I have some really funny stories I could tell. Like the one about this man who came in and demanded his french FRIES (fried is the keyword here) baked! I mean honestly! No salt was one damn thing but baked french fries? ugg...it was horrid! Back then people were actually treated like people in such establishments, and truly served with a smile! Now, hell you never know if someone is going to spit in your food or drop your burger on the floor and serve it to you anyway! (I posted last summer about some of these ugly practices by undereducated people who hate the entire world!) Things can get really gross, believe me. But when I was working at Hardees we actually washed dishes, cleanned tables and even sanitized stuff! Now at local McDonalds we have kids going into the play areas and jumping in the little colorful balls to come out with a used drug needle attached to them! Times sure have changed!

I guess it all could be worse, you could work for Burger King and be forced to go through their "team building" course! Ucky!

Horray for Connecticut!!! It's about time we fought back on this issue!

THIS is cool.

I really want to go here and see these first hand!

This man had his head cut off, not his NOT HIS THROAT CUT! Americans need to see this tape to show just how sadistic the ignorant people are that we up against! I am so sick to death about hearing how we need to feel bad for the terrorist and their country!

2002-02-22T22:55:00.000-06:00

ELOQUENT SILENCE & other prose from the mind of Tamara.

Has it ever occurred to you that it really is possible that man came from the ocean? Consider that even humans have Gills in the early stages of their development!

ELOQUENT SILENCE

Have you ever wondered why we all use redundant expressions? Example: Congregate together, Capitol building, fuse together, new recruit, original prototype and hoist up.

ELOQUENT SILENCE

Why do we have twenty-four hours in a day and not twenty-six?

ELOQUENT SILENCE

Which really DID come first: The Chicken or the egg?

ELOQUENT SILENCE

Why do we always want what we cannot have but do not want what we need?

ELOQUENT SILENCE

Would you not just love to actually meet the scientist who made the human HEART and the Human BRAIN??? *IMAGINE that? GOD a scientist?*

ELOQUENT SILENCE

Give a man a mask and he will tell you the whole truth!

ELOQUENT SILENCE

Honestly, have you ever thought about going HERE?
Or maybe you would rather just GO as a crew member instead?

ELOQUENT SILENCE

If we all love THESE and their beauty, why is it that we all live in THESE and complain?

ELOQUENT SILENCE

Don't you find it strange that kids (& adults) use these and a baby's first attempt to communicate happens to be the same Choice?

ELOQUENT SILENCE

I would have loved to have met the SNOW FLAKE MAN!
Why do we have such a hard time understanding the very possible theory of Plate Techtonics?
Did the world really start out as a solid body with water on all sides, then split?
Is it possible to actually see a face of a man in the moon?
Why is it that we all agree that "UP" is better than "DOWN" when most always we want to sit down or lay down?

MAJOR ELOQUENT SILENCE HERE

2002-02-21T21:37:00.000-06:00

Oh to be amicus humani generis!

Today I sat with unbelieving eyes and ears while I watched THIS unfold! I stood there, a friend by my side, and exclaimed, "But why?" Why is it that I want so badly to change this world into something good and cannot do it? Why is it that sometimes I feel like this black angel in the shadows who can only do so much? My friend nodded at me and smiled and said you always were the little world changer. But sometimes, one person just cannot do it all. Sometimes you have to reflect on what you are doing and just know that you are doing everything you can.

But, But, BUT I am not doing all I can! I know I need to do more but I will be damned to know what the hell I am suppose to be doing! I mean it's not like when I was born I was given a speed course in what it was I was to eventually become or eventually do for the good of my life? The least my life could have come with is some sort of instruction book to tell me what direction I should be going in to help change this and make this better. To live my life at least moving in the right direction! To know that at the end there is this real light that will tell me good job, well done, you did better than I ever expected of you!

He turned to the ground, and then looked up at me with the sun in his eyes and told me, you are doing a good job. You are going in the right direction. You are only one person dear, but you are one of the strongest one persons that I have ever known. Persistant as hell and you know how to get the job done in the end! As for that instruction book? You have one Tamara, besides that huge human compas that beems inside of you, you really do have one.

A tear slipped down my cheek and he caught it. I told him I have no book and I just don't know which direction to even go into anymore. Should I be helping prison inmates? Should I be helping lost children? Should I be helping the parents who lose their children? Where should I honestly go from here? Someone has to do something about these children, someone has to try at least!

He smiled again at me as he caught the second dear on my cheek and said Tamara you are doing everything that you are being allowed to do at this time. To make light very bright in a baseball field, do they just use one very huge light? I answered a resounding well of course not they use many bright lights to produce one solid light on the playing field.

Yes, he said they use several lights to make the whole field very bright. You are one light, do you not think that there are many more people out there just like you? Do you not think that maybe your very bright little light connects with all of those other bright little lights to make one big light that tells those who are lost where they can go? You already have the light inside Tamara, it's always been there, and has always burned very bright. The book you lack is right here! You have always had that book, you have even read that book, now you just need to believe......

There's a dark and a troubled side of life
There's a bright and a sunny side too
Though we meet with the darkness and strife
The sunny side we also may view

Keep on the sunny side always on the sunny side
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us every day it will brighten all our way
If we keep on the sunny side of life

Oh the storm and its fury broke today
Crushing hopes that we cherish so dear
The clouds and storm will in time pass away
The sun again will shine bright and clear

Keep on the sunny side always on the sunny side
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us every day it will brighten all our way
If we keep on the sunny side of life

Let us greet with a song of hope each day
Though the moment be cloudy or fair
Let us trust in our Savior always
To keep us every one in His care

Keep on the sunny side always on the sunny side
Keep on the sunny side of life
It will help us every day it will brighten all our way
If we keep on the sunny side of life

2002-02-20T23:10:00.000-06:00

THIS is too cool! I am worth:

You are worth exactly: $1,933,846.00.

We hope you can find somebody who is wealthy enough to afford you.

2002-02-20T22:59:00.000-06:00

I have totally been Ousted, my feelings.....

2002-02-20T22:40:00.000-06:00

This Enron Wave via Think Dink, who could use some cheer so go say hello to her from me!

2002-02-20T22:26:00.000-06:00

Further BANTER to chew into.

I got this new digi camera and it still tonight remains in the box! What the hell good is it in the freaking box you may ask? Well for one, I have not had the time to take it out of the box! Whats more important is that I have two rolls of black and white film, which I love to use by the way, still in their boxes. Work, WORK, WORK! Work at work and work at home. Tonight was bill paying work night. Ahh the classic signs of a major depression and not one of the tropical kind either. Bills have the tendancy to make you feel really depressed. Put it this way gentlemen, you are not a woman so you do not have periods, yet you all talk about woman and PMS right? Ok set about $1500.00 worth of bills in front of you and a budget for the month. Now pay them. Viola! YOU NOW KNOW what a woman's PMS really feels like!

I just figured out my new mobile phone. Nifty. I love all these little gagets when I have time to play with them. No I did not have time to play with it but I had to check my messages which meant I had to play with it enough to get it set up. Then played with the text message deal for a bit. Nifty. Yeah I know, I need a life. It's the little itty bitty things in this world that keep me entertained, believe me!

My thoughts today wandered badly. Here is an example: If you have a word called Oxymoron and you even have the Top 50 oxymorons, that describe words, can a photo or a thing also be an oxymoron or is that in itself an oxymoron? Ahh....no, I am not a moron for the two of you out there who would say I was I am but a very deep thinker. Something only the blessed could understand.

Either way, I am going to be on a quest to figure out if inanimate objects can truly be oxymorons. So that should tell you how my day has gone, either that or it surely should tell you the places where my brian ganders on occasion.

Everyone dreams. Some of us dream and recall, others of us just dream and have no clue. For those who dream and have no clue, you are the chosen ones! YOU dear people must lead us dreamers out of the damnations we live! No really, dreams are freaky. They can scare you, revitalize you and even move you. Yet the art of dream reading is almost as old as my Mother's.....ok I won't go there but you get the idea. My dreams, when I was not working, would be in such detail. Now that I am working full time again and am working my little arse off, my dreams are almost non existant. When I do recall them, it is just the bits and parts of the dream. Think of reading ZOLAR's dream dictionary without really having a dream, you know just actually reading the damn thing! Yeah you know, your in the bathroom reading something and there is that book; all sorts of words, no story line, no punch line no damn dream just words that describe what was in a dream of sorts. Adjectives so to speak? Well, thats about how my dream life and umm sex life is right now. One word syllables. Oopps, did I say s e x? (you don't have to hold me to that do you?)

Here in Texas we have these places called Wataburgers. Sorry no web site, hey it's Texas right? Anyway they are playing this commercial where this woman has 12 (yes I said TWELVE) kids and she takes them to this Wataburger. For one, while on the sex subject, if I had 12 kids the only thing I think I would be doing is laundry, cleaning and having major doses of sex! WHO would have the time or the resources to go to a Wataburger? I think that 12 kids is just a bit too many. I played the lead in my High school play, Cheaper by the Dozen, I was the Mother. I think this woman and her husband took the OXYMORON to heart, I cannot see how kids would be cheaper by the dozen anywhere and at anytime!

I am thinking about taking Spanish. I need to learn it far more fluently than I already know. Which is not as much as it once was. So Just for you, I will leave you all with a nice Spanish version of one of my now famous quotes:

"Que desea ser creador, debe destruye primero y aplasta los valores aceptados." Friedrich Nietzsche

And in German:

"Der zu sein schöpferisch wünscht, zerstört Muß zuerst und zerschlägt anerkannte Werte." Friedrich Nietzsche

G'night my dear friends, I bid you many fine dreams in the place of my own.

2002-02-19T22:35:00.000-06:00

LIFE is good, I mean it really CAN be good!

There is something about life that I love. Oh besides the breathing part, more like the life part. Call me very selfish but I never want my little candle to burn out because I would miss whatever happens in the future. I think about all the things my grandparents lived through and then I think of all the things they missed. Sort of like going to a different country and then going home to try to describe everything the others who didn’t go didn’t get to see or experience. I took this this picture while on the Semi-truck this past summer. It reminds me of how I sort of view life: I keep looking down the road and around that never-ending corner trying to see what’s going to happen next! Life, it seems, is full of those roads and full of those corners that we strain our heads to look around.

In a way, life is this huge exciting movie that plays out in front of us and we never really want to know or see the ending. It use to puzzle me how anyone would actually find that life would be so bad that they would feel the need to end it. Something that is the only thing in this world that is theirs and theirs only, they would end? Not only is their life free but also it is truly theirs to decide the outcome. Decide their destiny. Decide their fate so to speak. Each one of us makes history. Each one of us sees history being made. We all gather years of stories and decades of living in photographs, notes, journals and memories. We all have a place here, and how we use it or view it is all up to us. You have to admit besides the stars and the beyond life has to be truly the largest mystery of mankind!

So all of that leads me to several questions about our day and age folks. For instance, why is it that if Andrea Yates whole family claimed, (and I quote) A listless and silent Andrea Yates spent the weeks before killing her children walking in circles around the kitchen, scratching her head raw and staring endlessly into space, her arms often trembling, her mother-in-law said in tearful testimony Tuesday. "She would stare for an hour, two hours," recalled Dora Yates of Hermitage, Tenn. "She would scratch her head until it was almost bald in spots." Dora Yates had planned on a six-day visit to her son's family on April 19. But shortly before she arrived, she was informed by her son Russell that the stay would not resemble previous family gatherings and she might be asked to stay and help with the family's children: Noah, 7, John, 5, Paul 3, Luke, 2 and 6-month-old Mary. Why then is not the husband and Mother on trial? I mean lets get real honest here people, if they KNEW this woman was dangerous or not in control, who in their right minds would have left this woman by herself let alone with several children and by herself? Who is at fault here? Well of course Mrs. Yates is guilty, but who is truly at fault here? If I know that a co-worker is crazy and is capable of killing several people and I am not overreacting in my theory, and do nothing to get him/her help but sit back and allow something to happen, am I not as guilty as the person who was crazy enough to do such an act with me having the possible knowledge of it? Kids who go to school with guns and have friends in school who know about a threat are now being held accountable for their friend’s actions and for themselves not taken action to try to alert authorities about the possible act! What in the hell is all I can say as I shake my head.

· Which leads me to why I shake my head. You see I am of the opinion that a fifteen year old, a ten year old, eight year old or even a seventeen year old still living under his/her Mother and/or Father’s house being held accountable for their actions has gotten way out of hand. I have the belief that if I have an eight year old child who goes out and kills a kid down the street, or any act for that matter, then I as the parent should have some accountability! You see we sit here and hear how these kids were disturbed or abused, so why are their parents not being held accountable for this? They were suppose to protect and raise that child. Until parents are held accountable for their actions, how can their children ever truly be punished? Good example of how this system is FUBAR: The Texas Youth Commision explains why they confine youths:
· 90% are boys.
· 10% are girls.
· 40% are Hispanic.
· 34% are African-American.
· 25% are Anglo.
· 41% admit at intake that they are gang members.
· Median age at commitment is 16.
· Median reading and math achievement level is 5th or 6th grade - (four to five years behind their peers).
· 77% have IQs below the mean score of 100.
· 52% percent have a high need for drug treatment.
· 44% are severely emotionally disturbed.
· 44% are enrolled in special education classes.
· Three out of four youth have parents who never married or who divorced or separated.
· The vast majority have a history of being abused or neglected.
· More than one-half come from low-income homes.
· Three out of four come from chaotic environments.
· Many have families with histories of criminal behavior.
· Many have family members with mental impairments.
· More than half (58%) were in juvenile court on two or more felony-level offenses before being committed to TYC.

To add insult to injury here is their idea of correcting this problem: A world of Protection! Anyone ever heard of HOLDING THEIR PARENTS RESPONSIBLE???

Sure there are those parents who really do try but if you have a child that is that problematic, you should still be held accountable because you know they have problems and you do not do anything to try to help them. (I don't mean depending on the state to do the job you did not do either!) A good parent just does not ignore what their child is doing at age eight to his siblings and hope it goes away, and then when he/she turns sixteen and blows twenty classmates away, tries to say, "Well it was not our fault, we tried..." W.T.F. is that? WE TRIED? I mean it sounds like you tried to tame a mad dog but failed! Or you tried to tame a 1600 pound lion and failed! There has to be some accountability somewhere! When we hold parents to what their children do we see results! When parents were told in court that they would be held accountable if their children did not go to School! You know what? Parents made damn sure their kids were in school!!! It became a state to state wide act where parents were being held accountable for their child's truancy! What if parents were held accountable for their juvinile child's actions? When a parent, I know several that allowed and do allow their teenagers, to stay out past midnight and have no clue what they are doing, with who they are doing it with and where they are doing it at, the parent would get charged with whatever crime the child committed and then the child was placed in a home where they could get the right guidance they so need! Something tells me that parents, with the thoughts of going to jail or even prison for something their teenager did, would all of a sudden become very interested in just what the hell they are doing when they are not around!

My next question is if we have the UN Battle against Global Hunger why do we have so many United States children living in poverty??? What is it that makes every other country more important than our own back yard? Why is it that the U.N. displays all the money that has gone to other Countries but the U.S. never sees any of that money? Has not anyone ever told the U.N. that to give a man food for one day is not helping them but giving them a dependant crutch, but to teach a man how to produce their own food, gives them there own independance! Oh I get it since the U.S. problem with a.k.a. poverty which really means hunger is considered SOLVABLE while other Nations a.k.a. starvation meaning poverty, is not solvable, they are more important?!?

Why is it that when life can be so good, people can take it and make it so evil! In the blink of a few short years a parent can take a young child's mind and make it into something that seems to be almost impossible to ever repair! With that I am giving you all a few options here. For one go here to read about Breaking the Silence. Then please, after you have read the whole site through and through, go here and sign the new petition to help stop the Veil of "Immunity"! If you need more information about just how Parents need to be held accountable go here because it is high time that parents become responsible for their offspring! If you are still not convinced that there is a real problem in our judicial system with the laws that reflect the punishment of juviniles, go here and just do some research. If you have not taken anything from this post when you leave here, I feel I have failed to enlighten you. I have failed to make you understand that sooner than later these kids will be here in our Nation making choices, voting, and running this country; which means we are going to get out of the future what we put into it right now! Don't waste another moment of your life thinking about this and talking about this, you have to act on this! There are many places you could help volunteer in your own areas that could change the course of a young person's life. Be it the young person on the street or the young Mother or a couple who is trying to learn how to raise a family and they themselves have had no teaching.

Life is good and can be really good. Life however, is only as good as we all make it to be! Don't let so many lives go wasted when there really is something that each one of us can be doing to change the course that our Nation is determined on going!

"You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals."
Marie Curie 1923

2002-02-18T22:39:00.001-06:00

I LIKE IT, two times OVER I LIKE!

2002-02-18T22:39:00.000-06:00

I LIKE IT, two times OVER I LIKE!

2002-02-18T22:02:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite songs from my childhood as sung by Alison Krauss. Very sweet song if you have not heard it yet, better yet it sounds really good when she sings it!

"Down To The River To Pray"
As i went down to the river to pray
Studyin about that good ol' way and who shall wear the starry crown?
Good Lord show me the way!
O sisters let's go down
Lets go down, Come on down
O sisters lets go down
Down in the river to pray
As I went down in the river to pray
Studyin about that good ol way
And who shall wear the robe & crown
Good Lord show me the way
O brothers lets go down
Let's go down, Come on down
O brothers lets go down
Down in the river to pray
As I went down in the river to pray
Studyin about that good ol way
And who shall wear the star and crown?
Good lord show me the way
O fathers lets go down
Let's go down, Come on down
O fathers lets go down
Down in the river to pray
As I went down in the river to pray studying about that good ol way
And who shall wear th robe and crown
Good Lord show me the way
O mothers lets go down
Come on down, don't you wanna go down?
O Mothers lets go down
Down in the river to pray
As I went down in the river to pray
Studin about that good ol' way
And who shall wear the star and crown?
Good Lord show me the way
O sinners lets go down
Lets go down, come on down
O sinners lets go down
Down in the river to pray
As I went down in the river to pray
Studyin about that good ol way
And who shall wear the Robe and crown?
Good Lord show me the way

2002-02-18T21:34:00.000-06:00

The Student Loan Racket, and why it is a racket...

This post was born when I was going to comment to Charles's question of how did Clinton do anything wrong to mess-up the student loan process per se and how is it that we are better off under President Bush. Which all and all this would actually be two posts but I am going to contain this post strickly for the first part of that question because it is already 8:30 PM and I just walked in not more than under an hour ago and I am very tired. So here goes:

First of all if you have not obtained a Strafford student loan on or after 1995 this will not even apply to you so much since I am banking you have already paid off all of your loans in full. Otherwise, this will apply to you. You need to know what a Stafford loan is today vs. what it was many years ago so go here for updated information. Next let me walk you through one story that I have that actually is about ten people I know pulled into one story, myself included in the ten. When I went to college, I obtained a Stafford loan. With the grounds that once I was out of college I had six months to find a job and begin to repay the amount I owed back. The interest rate was to be low, which it was. And of course I did begin to pay back my student loan on time. However at one point, I had trouble and asked for a deferment of my student loan. Before there was a huge stink about students NOT paying back their student loans, a deferment was very easy to get. You simply applied for it and substantiated it and it was done. Reviewed every six months and so on.

However, THIS battle took place. Now Clinton loved this idea of giving students more money and hitting the Government hard with it because he had already set-up a plan that allowed the Federal Government to get their student loan money back no matter what! You see if you defult and you have a job and you of course pay taxes, then the Government can take any taxes you may have due to you when you file for your return. They put a lean on your income tax and take it just as if you owed the IRS. This was also given to states with state taxes. So now Clinton knew that no matter what the Goverenment would get their student loan money back regardless, because if the student finally got a job and finally was making a little money and finally got a tax return, they would get their money automatically. Just like the IRS when they put a lean on you for back taxes. So sure Clinton wanted to get as many students to take as much money as they needed whenever they needed it for College! What Clinton did not mention to all those aspiring wanna be Master Degree holders is that for any reason if your loan does go defult, then Federal Family Education Loans (FFEL), which include Federal Stafford and Federal PLUS loans. When placed in default, these loans are first assigned to a guaranty agency (an organization that administers the FFEL Program for your state) for collection. Periodically, guaranty agencies assign loans to the Department for collection. When your defulted student loan, (understand that if you were unemployed you can not ask for a defferment unless you are unemployed for three years) so what happens to your student loan is it goes into a "guaranty pool". There are several of these agencies that try to get your money and in the process they are stacking up the interest rate. Good example, say Sally Mae tries to get your student loan back, but they have the wrong address. Not only are they stacking up the interests they charge (not even mentioning the interest charges the Goverenment has already put on the note.) and they decide to "give-up" the note and pass it on. You now have the Student Loan defult on your credit but you also have Sally Mae foundation on your credit report saying the exact same thing only with more interest. Leading lenders to believe you actually made arrangements with Sally Mae to pay off the note and defulted again. So when Sally Mae passes it on, it goes back into the pool with maybe $300.00 more interest stacked up on it. The next pooled agency gets your note, they find the correct address and they contact you. You get upset, obviously, because the note has gotten even higher. They tell you it is accruing interest every day that you don't pay not to mention they are going to charge you because they are the "guaranty" institution and you agreed with this when you signed for your grant/loan. (Which is not always the case since many "rules" changed after 1995.) Either way you make some type of payment plan with this "guaranty". Then low and behold, something comes up and you miss two payments. I don't know, you get sick or you have to take time off or whatever, but you miss two payments. They automatically put you on the list to get your income tax return taken and begin proceedings to put a judgement lien on your weekly pay check. (they can take up to 15% of your pay check a week.) Now if you were off work chances are you are playing major catch-up on all of your living bills such as your house, car and so on. A weekly garnishment of 15% could actually kill a person who is one foot out the door and one foot in the grave! To add insult to injury, the whole time this is going on you are being charged by the collection agency, see Here for more on what they can do. If you are only making small wages and are not able to make your personal bills such as your rent and they are taking 15% of your wages because you could not pay to their likes, they make matters even more sticky when they take your piddly ass Income Tax Refund! Lets just add more fuel to this already burning fire by getting laid-off! Now they cannot take your wages so they are now really pissed at you. So they put it with another collections agency, by this time your credit report shows you made three attempts to pay back this student loan, the governemnt, Sally Mae and this one that took your wages and income tax return. Now you add a new collections agency to your credit report and even more charges due to attempts by collection agencies trying to get back what you owe and cannot pay for since you are not even working now! (remember you cannot get a deferment because A) you are already in defult and B) you have not been out of work at least three years!) When this agency cannot get the Government's money back out of you due to not having a job, they too pass it on finding that squeezing blood from a turnip is useless! Again, this is now number four who has tried to collect this student loan, which means even more collection fees added to the already ballooned rate that you now owe! A good clean example is my student loans. I went into defult when I got laid off. In that time period my loan of only $1500.00 went up to a now $2500.00!!! That is what the Government says I now owe with all my interests and collection fees added to it! Mind you, as we speak the note is growing because now not only are they getting interest on my $1500.00, but they now are getting the same rate of defult interests on the additional $1000.00! (sorry Charles, but in my hay day I would have called that a sweet little loan shark deal!) And of course if I do not get down to paying on that student loan they will push a wage garnishment on me whereas I will still get charged the interest rate of 15% on money I did not owe to begin in the start of this whole cycle. Which means either I suck it up and eat the costs now and just pay it off in full or I almost never get it paid off because the interest rate is so high it makes a pay off nearly impossible, a vicious circle if you will.

The final blow to Clinton's perfect plan for student loans is if I cannot make some sort of agreement with the collection agency (and they tell what you can pay not what you REALLY can pay!) then it goes to Litigation where I not only will lose and have to pay my student loan back plus the collection fees but I will get slamed with the court costs and attorney fees!

So you ask me where did Clinton fit into all of this? Begin to read Part B if you are interested any further on just how much Clinton had to do with this. It should enlighten you if nothing else. By the way you can still use student loan pay backs as deductions on your income tax return. I am not sure where you came up with you could not do so now that President Bush was in office. Umm...he has not been in office long enough to even touch the pimple on Clinton's ass when it comes to student loan amendments! Either way, there it is for all of you in a nut shell. Mind you, I am very sleepy and I probably make sense in the sleepy sense but if you need more information just e-mail me, I have a SURPLUS of the information on this crap believe me!

2002-02-17T18:20:00.000-06:00

I have gotten two lavishly free gifts this weekend! You guys will just about die when I tell you what those are! Ok for starters, I have been shopping round for a new mobile phone. I got one this weekend for 25 bucks! Plan and all. Cheap minutes and to top it off I have all the gagets that go with it as in games, text messages, voice mail all that junk. Oh and it has that little killer tell all, call back feature! So I am happy, AT&T is happy, its all good!

Then, today the super stores of electronic equipment were ever so nice to GIVE me a digital camera. YAY! For real! (you just have to know when to shop and how right?) At any rate, for an added dial up to the one I already have for connections that is, I was given $200.00 bucks to use as I wish. (I needed a real dial up connection so its all good) So what did I blow my 200 bucks on? THIS! It was so worth it! I mean this way I can snap a few shots I just want to play with and down em here for you all to see! (Chris you should be so proud!) So eventhough the weekend was full of flood junk, I still enjoyed some good stuff! That and I can't wait to try out this new toy, I love tech toys, love em!

Next month my final payment will be made on my puter system! YAY! So things are working out slowly but surely! I have been looking at new vehicles, have been for sometime now, but I have made a few strike outs and added one or two to my check out list. I figure at this rate just maybe I will be in a new vehicle by the end of summer?

Student loans will be my next tackle. Do not ever mess with government money they say is "free" untill you get a job...blah blah...its bull shit. If you can do your college without student loans, you are far better off! Thanks to ole Bubba Clinton through his reign of terror, student loans have become student loansharking! Just believe me on this, from one who knows!

College is great but sooner or later after you get that little slip of paper that says you can now work freely about the country, you realize that you need MORE! I mean you cannot just be ONE thing any more or just have one degree. You are trying to stay ahead of everyone else working on master degrees or ones who specialize in ten things, have five or six B.A.s and you soon find, four B.A.s and a couple of Masters will actually keep you in the surviving bracket of income. SHIT! Not only do we have a Country full of over medicated maniacs and lose cannons who drive vehicles we now have over educated dumb asses. What a concept right?

I went for coffee today at my local Starbucks. Swank little strip off Gaston Street. Mostly Gays and Lesbians hang out around this little "strip". I don't mind really except had my new camera been ready to point and click I would have shot a pic of this old theater, the Lakewood. Mike told me he use to take dates to this thing back in the 60's. Back then it was a PRIME location and a really happening joint. Today, the marquee stated: FUN! EXCITING! GAY BINGO TONIGHT! W.T.F. does that mean? No, maybe I don't really want to know! What do they do at GAY BINGO? The visuals are not limited believe me! No I am not a HOMOPHOBIAC but that still does not mean that I can understand the complete concept of GAY BINGO OK?

I am getting a new PDA and go figure that today of all days every damn store in Dallas is sold out of the exact one I have to have for work! YAY, so whats up with that? Damn good P.D.A. is all I can say.....

Now lets just leave you all with a smile shall I?

Aliens Attack
President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

2002-02-17T02:13:00.000-06:00

Tracy Chapmen happens to be one of my favorite old story telling singers. She can be rather cryptic, but she gets her point across. I love Revolution.

West End was rocking tonight! It was so nice outside today that everyone got a glimps of spring fever! Deep Ellum was and still is, moving like a train! We had a few awesome bands down here at the deep end of Dallas this weekend. Sold out of course, but none the less, the excitement is here. I had really wanted to try to catch the Gypsy Tea Room's show with Jimmy Eat World, but like I said it was sold out in a big way.
The Middle
hey
don't write yourself off yet
it's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
just try your best
try everything you can
and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away
hey you know they're all the same
you know you're doing better on your own so don't buy in
live right now
just be yourself
it doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else
it just takes some time
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
everything everything will be just fine
everything everything will be all right
do your best
do everything you can
don't you worry what thier bitter hearts are going to say

It all made sense to me anyway.

I can't help but love the FEED BAG, I should have taken Chris there when he was here! I love one of their logos: You did not come all the way to Texas to eat chicken! I love it.

And for laughs:

Golf Strategy
Four married guys go golfing. During the fouthth hole, the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "Well, I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'Golfcourse or Intercourse?' and she said, 'Wear your sweater.'"

Congrats Laura I knew you would do it!!!
*I am so happy that this weasel lost!!!*

Guess where I will be AT in only ONE more day???

2002-02-15T19:13:00.000-06:00

Texas A & M finally Cloned a CAT. JOY! Like they multiply by the hundreds and now we have a bunch of freaking AGGIES clonning the damn things! (did I mention I love cats?) But may I also say I do not LOVE AGGIES by any means and for them to be down south of me CLONNING, this really scares me! They called the cat, C.C., for Copy Cat. How AGGISH!

Shit list. ME. I was suppose to go to Oklahoma this weekend to meet up with Toady and to see my family up there but then the flood happened. Not only that I have Mike here this whole weekend too. We do not get to see each other very much so I am going to spend some time with him this whole weekend. Besides, I have someone who is meeting me here tomorrow to look over the bed room furniture damage, gotta deal with that crap! Urgggg.....and of course when it rains it pours because Ru asked me to a really COOL fun filled weekend and of course I cannot do a damn thing! HUMPF! (and people have the nerve to ask me why I am still not married?) HELLO?

I was also invited to take some really awesome photos for a guy at work. He has a really cool Christian band that wanted me to take some photos on Sunday at their church. I still maybe able to do that one, maybe. I think my life is the real line of stress actually. Chris had said as much several months ok years ago and at my age I am actually thinking he maybe right...

Karen e mailed me about Blogcon2002 which means if you are in DFW and you have not checked it out, get busy! The DFW group is getting larger for the plane trip to Vegas!!! YEAH it is going to be such an awesome BIRTHDAY for me!!!! If we can get enough people together surely we can get special priced tickets at this point, don't ya think?

If you did not know it yet, our Prego Blogger is now going to have to turn her blog into, "The MOMMY blog"! Congrats Melly!

Did I mention I really should have stopped off and got some beer?

Today, of all days, I started my curse. And to top that one off, Mike (pictured with me on the far right) is a Body Solutions DROP OUT! Because he decided he could not take this and drive on the road too, he told me to take it and seeif it really works. I mean do you know how hard it is for a woman to try to diet at all on her CURSE? We are talking it is a proven fact that chocolate does something for the bleeding female! HELL! I just don't think so. This cause will have to wait! But I will try to keep you all posted....TRY...

Speaking of which, DON if you are reading tonight and having a beer buster you better write to me dammit! I miss those cute little poems and besides Mike and I both are wanting to know how General is doing and how Ohio is treating ya!!! WRITE ME!

Have you heard of them? Go hear em, if not.

By the way tonight is a dirty rotten Boston night! Man it's good to be from the 80's!!! It's also an AC/DC kinda night, don't ya think?

Well I gotta run, as I always do, hope all of you had a wonderful V-day, I did! I mean all things considered I did. I got flowers, who did not get any? I hope everyone who works in an office at least did! I mean woman are so weird about those kinds of things when they are in an office. It's like, "WISPER, LOOK WHO DID NOT GET ANY FLOWERS?" I mean really! But flowers are wonderful for woman, it makes em feel all special just like the Church Lady use to tell us. Ahh those were the dayzzzzzzz.......

2002-02-14T20:53:00.000-06:00

Where O' Where to begin.....?

First, I never realized so many of you missed me when I did not blog! Thank you! It sure made me feel good to come home this late and flip on my puter to see the e-mails! Thanks guys I really do mean that! Let's see, where can I start here? Yesterday, there was a yesterday right? Anyway, yesterday I get a call from my Management company of the loft complex. This in itself is odd, but I am calm thinking the worst but still calm. The manager on the other end calmly tells me that my neighbor in the next loft owns two 500 Gal. fish tanks. Ok so what is this.....OH SHIT....I am CALMLY thinking. The manager CALMLY tells me that one sprung a very massive leak. But not to worry dear, there is only about 5 gallons of water on your loft floor, though she was not the one that went into my loft to check it but she tells me the water people, *I am thinking W.T.F. are water people* will be be there asap to suction all the water up off my floor and that they moved most of my valuables up off the floor to avoid damage. Yeah ok so I am going to go home since Mr. Yeller dog is worried sick at this point no doubt!

I walk into my hall from the elevator. Hmm...things look normal. They sound normal. I make the corner and automatically begin to slosh! There is at least a small stream going accross the hallway from my loft walls and seeping into the the loft accross the halls walls....not good I am thinking, not too damn good. I unlock my door, of course Mr. Yeller dog is stranded on one side of the room, very adamant that he did NOT make this massive puddle and wanted to be sure I understood that by bellowing barking noises. SHIT! I step inside to water up to my damn ankles just about! 5 FREAKING GALLONS, I found myself saying!!! Why not more like 12 freaking inches which has to at least be 50 gallons I am estimating in my head! SHIT, what a mess!!! So I set out to start cleaning up this mess and believe me, bitching the whole time! Mr. Yeller dog, who now understands I am not angry at him but the culbret who pissed in his house, was trying to help me by staying out of the water and barking every now and then. In the end folks, I will probably get a new bed room set, new hope chest, I did get new oriental rugs and who knows what else, I am still counting. The poor man who lives next door came over almost in tears he felt so bad. His fish tank sprung this huge leak he claims, (as I hand him a dead angle fish) and he actually looks even more pale. (What I would like to know is how that thing made it under the wall?) I figured some things are not to be asked, and I let that one go as he tells me he will pay for whatever damages, it makes not difference to him money is not an option. Ok well in that case, umm...listen did I ever tell you about the million dollars I had stashed under my bed?

Chris called me today at work, noticed I was not blogging that and he wanted to check in on me. I did get the gift today Chris and I love the Beautiful perfume! My fav of course! Happy V-day to you too!

I got my Christmas pics back today. I spent the time with Mike and some of it with his family! His Mother is so sweet, I could only wish I had one even close to being like her! Anyway I did get a few really good pics I can share. One I wanted to share right now with all of you, it's just simply a really cool pic! Enjoy! And Happy V-Day! (Oh hey Melly, congrats on that wonderful baby!!!)

2002-02-12T19:21:00.000-06:00

And for fun, go take the Love Test

2002-02-12T19:16:00.000-06:00

Old photos are the best of both worlds!

2002-02-11T19:25:00.000-06:00

THIS one was even better thanks to Western Exposure!

I am TOAST! Crunchy and delicious, I am good with things on me.

I know this because I took an online test written by lunatics.

I would get the same result no matter what I put in, because the

nutcases in question really like toast.
Take some kind of Quiz!

2002-02-11T19:20:00.000-06:00

THIS Cool thanks to BWG!

2002-02-11T18:54:00.000-06:00

Take a break, tomorrow is Fat TUESDAY!!!

Oh wow life has been so busy I totally forgot that Mardi Gras begins tomorrow! So in light of all the fun of Mardi Gras and the fact that there is no way in hell I am going to be able to go this year, I wanted to at least take this post and dedicate it to MARDI GRAS!!! Can everyone say, "SHOW ME YOUR BOOBS?" Thought so. At any rate for those of you who are stuck in your cubes at work or just plain stuck, you can go HERE to get all the goods you need in the apparel department. (don't forget your beads guys or else you know what that means for Fat Tuesday?) So now that you got your beads, the next step is to worry about what to wear. Oh hell forgedaboudit! Who wears a damn thing at Mardi Gras? I mean the main deal is you get to play the show your Body Off game! So we won't worry about outward junk, we got the beads, we got the masks, we got the goods. Now since we cannot just jump on a plane, those of us who are stuck, you need to make it a point to join all of your rowdy, (not your puss friends!) at a local flavor place. Like for my place I am going to head out to West End or maybe Fair Park, which is close to my loft but then you know you just never really can tell with a girl like me now can ya? Either way I am going to be sure I do not miss Fat Tuesday just because I am stuck in the Working Class American cage! So whatchya all waiting for? Get yer arsses moving and get your Fat Tuesday face on!

2002-02-10T20:03:00.000-06:00

I had to toss in a few fun things here really fast, you all know me I could not go two days being stricktly serious, now could I? So for the fellow from Louisville who asked (his search engine or hers?), Woman, wanna get married? ummm...a small problem with that. I don't know who you are. Ahh hell just a small detail right?

Next, I wanted to share this with you (a little post sept. 11th humor if you will):

A guy left home for work on Sept. 11 at about 6am to go to his office in
the World Trade Centre (103rd floor). When he got to Manhattan, he decided instead to spend the morning at his girlfriend's apartment in the Village. Upon his arrival to her house, he turned off the phones, TV & radio and spent the entire morning with her in her bed. At about 11:00am, while still at her place, he turned his cell phone back on to retrieve his messages, a second later it rang. His wife who was on the phone screaming at him, where in the "Hell" are you? I've been trying to call you for over two hours, I've been worried sick about you! Are you OK!! He unknowingly answered, "Where in the "Hell" do you think I am? I'm in my office!!!"

Huggles!!!!

2002-02-10T11:34:00.000-06:00

DAY TWO: With the intro again, just in case you missed it.

I wanted to give all of you an introduction to what I have decided to do here. In light of everything that has happened in the past several months here on my blog, you all now are painfully aware that I have major problems with the people I have to call family. I do call them family, I cannot make any decisions about not having them as family any more then I could choose my own family before birth. We all have a cross or two to bare in this world or a thorn in our sides, my family just happens to be mine. What I have decided to do is make all of this pain worth something to someone, anyone even if that someone is me. Without going further here, I want to say that I hope I do not lose any of you as readers because of what I am about to do. This will not be nice and pretty. This will not be a package of fun to relax and unwind to after your hard day at work. No what I am going to do will be depressing as hell to most of you, if not down right horrible to others. For those people I apologize in advance. Yet this is something that I feel is not only long over due and I have been thinking about doing it for awhile, but it has become necessary for me to do. I don't know if what I am going to do is all wrong or if it is something that I was suppose to eventually do with my web log in the end, but I am feeling in the dark on this one and I am just going with my gut. I really want all of this hatred and ugliness to have meaning and closure. My young life was plagued with a horrible barrage of hate and intensly harmful fumes. Ones that any normal child would and should choke over. To the point that it is amazing that I have turned out anything like what I am today as I sit here typing this to all of you! I was very strong willed as a child and even stronger yet as an adult, and I have all of these experiences to thank for that. It was those experiences that have made me into what I am today, which is honestly a loving and caring adult woman. I never walk away when someone needs my help, nor will I ever. I still hold doors open for people, no matter what their color, size or actions. I have lived by the creed that you should always, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you..." Sure as any other human, I do fail and and failed, but my goals never change: To always love everyone even those who hate me. I refuse to hate. I refuse that as an emotion and a person could torture me, even kill me and I still would refuse to hate. I have already lived in a hell unimaginable by many people. I have lived with hate and evil, beyond what any of you will ever fully be able to understand by reading it here. In saying that I am able to say that honestly even torture could not force me to hate. I would rather die a slow, agonizing and painful death than to hate any living thing! I will be posting one post a day for the next several weeks that will log some of the worst things in my life that has made me what I am today. I have learned to accept all of this as it had to happen the way it did to make me as good a person as I am today. I feel like everything has happened for a reason and that it was like an educational training session for me for the future situations I would be put in. I have decided single handed, that these life experiences taught me how to love even the worst person I come in contact with, help even the most evil of all persons and continue to bring joy to ones who do not have it. It is real. What I am is what I have chosen to become. I have refused to give into what my family lives by, hate. I have refused to waste this internet space on something that will not ever help anyone. I simply hope that it helps all those it is meant to help.....

Everything is never as it seems.

In grade school, my Mother took her shot at being a caring Mom so to speak. She started to become involved in Girl Scouts Of America. I was pushed into being what Girl Scouts call a "Brownie". I had to ware this silly looking Brown uniform. The only reason why I was happy at all is because my Mother had actually taken inititive to become involved in my life. Soon though, I found that it really was not for me as much as it was for her! She never would let me help her, I would mess everything up she would say. Just like cooking, she never showed me how to cook, I would mess it up she would say. She actually never showed any of her daughters how to cook. When she would want to do a project with the group, she would almost do the whole thing for each girl before they arrived at our house or the school where we would hold our meetings. To her I think this all made her feel like she was doing her part as a Mother. Like most things that she attempted, since it was not because of the love she had for me, it became a forced project for her and she would quit. There really was a time when my Mother really was a good person in my eyes. She would at least keep a baby book on each of us, keep things in boxes that had to do with our "school years" and so on. Again, this was all a forced expected action and soon it fell to the wayside, but at the time I did not see it as that. I saw it as her only way to show she loved us. My Mother would get angry very fast. She would, as I have said, scream very much. So it seemed like no matter what any of us did, it really was not right. I don't ever recall this woman taking me personally shopping for school clothing or just shopping to be with me-you know a Mother/Daughter day out so to speak. I use to have friends that had their Mothers who would go and do things with them just as the Fathers would do things with their sons, it was not the case in my family. They just did not find it to be useful to them so therefor it was just not useful at all.

I wanted to talk about Christmas. My Mother was always the type who when she saw something she liked she would buy ten in evey color, ten in every style or whatever. So was the same for Christmas. She is a compulsive spender. One is not enough and the more you get shows the more you are loved. At Christmas time my Mother would make sure there were thousands of gifts under the tree. It was again for her. My Brother and I would get up early on Christmas morning, excited at the amount of what was under the tree. Of course she would make us wait until she got up which was normally around noon, daily. Then she would have to have her cig and grab a pepsi. If any one child spoke to her she would snap at them like they were a monster trying to steel her pepsi. We learned early that you just did not show your face in the morning to her until her second cig. We would wait in our rooms till we could smell the smoke rise and hear the "pop" of the top of the pepsi. We walked on glass. Christmas was no different. To my Mother it was just another Pain-in-the-ass-day with her children. Finally when we were allowed to open our gifts she would get angry at one thing or another that one of us did, the whole while taking these lovely pictures of the happy little family at Christmas. At some point, like most days, she would get mad at me, scream, smack and send me to my room. Since at Christmas up north, it was cold normally thankfully she would only send me to my room and not outside. Or she would find what I liked best and tell me I was not allowed to play with or whatever. I always did something wrong. Soon, we were hauled to our grandparents house for more gifts. We would listen to my Mother bitch about her sister, her brother, her mother. I would tune it out on the drive over normally. Actually that tune out experience is exactly why I can hear two things going on at one time and still take them both in while I read even. I got really good at that, it was best to at least compute what was going on so you did not miss an order and get a smack or screamed at. Once at my Grandparents house, the fun always started. I always ended up in a corner normally. I did something horrible all the time, forget the fact that it was Christmas and I was little and excited. That never counted with me, only with the other kids. I could almost tell you every crack or scratch in the wood molding of two corners in my Grandmother's house to this day. Though the house has long since been torn down and a parking lot put in it's place, I can still see these Christmas days there. It seemed to me as a young child that none of the siblings got along. They always had something to say about each other and there was always some type of controversy going on. Much like my own family now, I can see the pattern.

I found at an early age, when at my Grandmother's house the best thing I could do is just stay away from the two woman smoking cigs at the kitchen table. One with her coffee and the other with her pepsi. When one of the other kids would scream about this or that, my name was screamed by one of them, they claimed I was always in the middle of it, yet I could be two rooms over and not even next to the screaming culprit. I was a very inquisitive child. I was constantly asking questions more than the average child, and I constantly read things. These adults would take my inquisitive nature and my questioning nature as being a kid that talked back all the time. Kids, to them as they pounded into my head, are to be seen not heard. Whoever made that little rule up never wanted their children to become an Einstein or a Ford. They simply wanted obedient children who would become what they wanted them to be. From an early age, I knew I was different in that even when they would say mean things to me, I would simply let it roll off of me. That was my coping method. It allowed me to be who I really was and not be changed by them. I had no doubts, at an early age, that John F. Kennedy was a lot like me when he was a child, he had no fears of speaking in public like I see most of my siblings and cousins would and do. And Einstein, would never have been told to shut up! He would have been watered like a flower so that his mind grew, something my family lacked doing with me out of fear? Out of something. At any rate, Christmas time was always a hard time for me, it was when all the grandkids would be there and I would most certainly end up in a corner crying and told that I could not play with the other kids for one reason or another, it was always my fault. I am just thankful that in this very impressionable time in my childhood life, all of these actions did not sculpt me into a mean adult person. I learned very early that words a parent says to you or a family member says to you are far worse than any physical pain they could impliment on you! My Father's Mother would tell me, "Tamara just think this: Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me." It was her way to help me cope with what she saw and what I would tell her confidence. Still, some of those words have hurt very badly. It made me realize that I would never be like that. I would try until the grave not to be like that with my children or with other people I love...

*NOTE: For more on verbal child abuse.*

What I hear:
~~~~
For no special reason
I am leaving you for awhile tonight
I'm flying far above you
Still I love you
You make things right
~~~~
Chorus:
I've been with you before
I'll be with you again
I'll come back for more, yea
The story has a strange ending
~~~~
Well, you know me I'm a nomad
I can't feel bad
About the way I am
I've been rolling around
My whole life
You're my candlebright in the window
~~~~
Chorus:
You guide me back again
And I come when you shine
You are not my friend, no
But I am something of a dreamer
I am something of a dreamer
I am something of a dreamer
~~~~
(Repeat verse and Chorus)
~~~~
Still I love you
My candlebright
You are not my friend
But still I love you
You're my candlebright
Still I love you
But you are not my friend
But still I love you
I can't feel bad
~~~~~

2002-02-09T11:08:00.000-06:00
I wanted to give all of you an introduction to what I have decided to do here. In light of everything that has happened in the past several months here on my blog, you all now are painfully aware that I have major problems with the people I have to call family. I do call them family, I cannot make any decisions about not having them as family any more then I could choose my own family before birth. We all have a cross or two to bare in this world or a thorn in our sides, my family just happens to be mine. What I have decided to do is make all of this pain worth something to someone, anyone even if that someone is me. Without going further here, I want to say that I hope I do not lose any of you as readers because of what I am about to do. This will not be nice and pretty. This will not be a package of fun to relax and unwind to after your hard day at work. No what I am going to do will be depressing as hell to most of you, if not down right horrible to others. For those people I apologize in advance. Yet this is something that I feel is not only long over due and I have been thinking about doing it for awhile, but it has become necessary for me to do. I don't know if what I am going to do is all wrong or if it is something that I was suppose to eventually do with my web log in the end, but I am feeling in the dark on this one and I am just going with my gut. I really want all of this hatred and ugliness to have meaning and closure. My young life was plagued with a horrible barrage of hate and intensly harmful fumes. Ones that any normal child would and should choke over. To the point that it is amazing that I have turned out anything like what I am today as I sit here typing this to all of you! I was very strong willed as a child and even stronger yet as an adult, and I have all of these experiences to thank for that. It was those experiences that have made me into what I am today, which is honestly a loving and caring adult woman. I never walk away when someone needs my help, nor will I ever. I still hold doors open for people, no matter what their color, size or actions. I have lived by the creed that you should always, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you..." Sure as any other human, I do fail and and failed, but my goals never change: To always love everyone even those who hate me. I refuse to hate. I refuse that as an emotion and a person could torture me, even kill me and I still would refuse to hate. I have already lived in a hell unimaginable by many people. I have lived with hate and evil, beyond what any of you will ever fully be able to understand by reading it here. In saying that I am able to say that honestly even torture could not force me to hate. I would rather die a slow, agonizing and painful death than to hate any living thing! I will be posting one post a day for the next several weeks that will log some of the worst things in my life that has made me what I am today. I have learned to accept all of this as it had to happen the way it did to make me as good a person as I am today. I feel like everything has happened for a reason and that it was like an educational training session for me for the future situations I would be put in. I have decided single handed, that these life experiences taught me how to love even the worst person I come in contact with, help even the most evil of all persons and continue to bring joy to ones who do not have it. It is real. What I am is what I have chosen to become. I have refused to give into what my family lives by, hate. I have refused to waste this internet space on something that will not ever help anyone. I simply hope that it helps all those it is meant to help.....

Skeletons in the closet

You know, it is true we all have these skeletons in our closet that we would much rather not face. I have them too, we all have them no doubt. It is truely the person who has them in their closet who thinks they can go through life and hurt people, yet all the while thinking those skeletons would never come out and expect to be reckoned with! I never knew that my Mother had so many problems when I was a kid. I feel pitty for her. It sheds some light into why she is mean and vicious. Many years ago I decided never to talk to this woman again because I could not handle the way she would pit one child against the other or one family member against the other. Someone was always being talked about, someone was always the topic of her destruction and the sad fact of it all is even back then I saw she actually fed off of this. It was like (still is) this entity that with every argument she caused and then backed out to watch go on, she found satisfaction with and just grew! Like that monster we all thought we had under our bed, only she was real. (I then made the mistake of thinking a few years ago that she had "changed" and "found" herself! That has been a joke and has caused me nothing but pure hell. I have tried to help out as much as I could and yet she is worse than she ever was!) I was raised, for the most part, by my Grandparents, my Father's parents and anyone else who wanted to take a shot at being a parent to me because mu Mother just down right could not do it. My Father was no angel do not get me wrong, but at least the man tried the best he could, I can't even say as much for my Mother because she never even tried! When my parents got a divorce it was her bright idea to just tell each of us kids to make up our own minds as to which parent we wanted to be with. Even back then I simply could not understand why in the world she would feel that was the best way to deal with custody of all us. She of course never wanted me, and told me so, and she also knew that because of that I would never want to live with her but rather my Father. It was a horrible time period for all of us kids. My sister was told she would go with my Mother because she was so young. My brother decided to go live with his grandparents, my mother's Mother and Father. I would have moved with my own grandparents, had they not been sick at the time. They both had cancer. At any rate, I knew if I went with my Mother she would make sure I never saw my Fathers parents, she hated them then and to this day has nothing good to say about them. Eventhough they helped he out of more jams than she can count up to, they were good people. They taught me how to love and be kind, for this I will never forget them.

At any rate, during this time frame, I was also sick. All of my life I have been plagued with bad ear infections. At a young age I had tubes put into my ears and my Mother forced me to go to an ear, nose and throat specialist who I have since found out is one of the reasons why I have so much hearing loss and someday maybe deaf. During the divorce I had a major bad ear infection. My Father took me to the doctor, not the specialist thank GOD! The doctor did blood work and found something he did not like, so he told my Father he wanted to order more tests. As it turned out, the tests clearly showed I had an over and above enlarged spleen. At the time, they really were not sure what the spleen actually did for the body and they felt they could just remove if before it burst if need be. The doctor also informed my Father that a few reasons could cause such a condition as it is not something that happens to people let alone children very often. For whatever reason, the only cause I heard back then was, "....tauma to the stomach region...." Amazing enough, was actually slamed back into this reality of when they happened. It was like I did not want to see it, but I could not stop my brain from showing me. Between my Grandmother, my mother's mother and my Mother, I am surprised that I actually grew-up to be a healthy minded young adult! Both were very mean to me. Both were two peas in a pod back then. Two partners in crime so to speak. However I must give my grandmother some credit here whereas my Mother can have none. My Grandmother, after my Grandfather past away, took me by the hand with tears in her eyes and said to me she was sorry. She was sorry for everything that had happend that she was at the root of. She loved me and that she knew she could not change what she had done nor go back and make it all right, but that she was sorry. I will never forget that day in her kitchen. She had her cig smoking, drinking the famous never ending cup of coffee and truely talking to me not at me. I respect her for this and of course, I told her it was ok. It would always be ok with me. I understood. But in all honesty to this day I have no clue why she treated me as she did. I don't know what a child could ever do to deserve so much that her and my Mother bestowed upon me. My Mother would say awful things like I deserved it, I was bad, I was spoiled, I was a horrible excuse for a daughter and so on. But in reality, I doubt either can actualy tell me what it was that I did so wrong my whole entire life to make them hate me as they did. As my Mother still does. There can be no justification to hate a young aspiring child the way my Mother did me.

As for the stomach trauma, I know my Mother will not only freak at this and probably say I am delusioned I actually expect it from her, that is how she has handled everything in our lives, but she use to have a bad habit of smacking me on my face. This one time when she wailed out her hate, she went farther than she should have. I was in my room and my sister who was little at the time, had something happen to her in the hall way by my room. My Mother had left me in charge of her while she went to the basement to gather washed clothing. When she heard my sister's whales she instantly ran upstairs and just assumed that I had done something to her. Which was not the case. We had this Barbie Town house sitting in the hall way, I think actually my sister fell on one of the little barbie sized furnitures that went into this house. Either way, she ran into my room before I could do anything and started screaming at me. She screamed for the most part, all the time. It was always rare to have my Mother say anything nice to us, she always for the most part screamed at us. Before I could explain to her anything she started swinging. I was on the edge of my bed, we had wooden floors. My Mother was a big lover of having JUNK lay around everywhere and still is by the way, and when she hit me by the second blow she knocked me off of my bed. I tried to like catch myself but slid on the damn wooden floor right into whatever piece of junk that was laying near my bed. As I went into it, again it was like slow motion trying to stop myself it ended up knocking the wind out of me. She only bitched more at me. Only screamed louder but having been pleased that I was not moving, she turned around and picked up my sister and told me how ashamed I should be for hurting her or LETTING her even get hurt! That was the first time I realized that my stomach not only hurt, but that I had this huge bruise on my left side by my rib cage. The next day, I told her I was hurt, and she just said next time you better just be doing what you should be rather than being stupid, and it would'nt HURT! With that she sent me outside. That was the thing with my Mother, she always sent us outside and did not want us back inside until dark. That is unless she wanted me to "watch" my sister or keep her entertained then I got the luxury of being allowed to stay inside with her, my sister and our dog. That is what it always felt like, the dog got to stay inside and we were pushed outside....a really nice impression on a kid right? It was not long after that I added more stress on my already messed-up side by taking a second tumble on it. This time I was climbing a tree and lost my balance. I was not high off the ground, but enough so that I fell onto my tummy and knocked the wind out of me again. Though I doubt that incident caused something that was already in the making but I am sure it did not help.

The doctor told my father that if the internal swelling did not go down and soon, they would have to do surgery and just remove it so that it did not burst. All this being found out not long after my Father kicked my Mother out of our home. My Father, on the way home from the Doctor's office, asked me what happend? He wanted to know what caused it. He KNEW deep down what had caused it but I think he needed me to tell him. I could'nt. I just would not say this to him, given the situation as it was. My Mother had just been forced out of our home in front of me, (the other kids were asleep but I was awake), my whole world had seemed to almost crumble in one night that seemed like it never really ended....I just looked up at him and told him I did'nt know...but he told me he did know. For a small period of time I almost thought that my Father was going to rescue me from all of the pain and hate I had been dealing with.....

NOTE: For further reading material on the subject of abused children, please go to this site and read about this one boys hell as a child. There are a few books that this man has put on the press and you could get each of them very cheap. If you cannot afford them they all should be at your public library.

What I am There's a plane, it's headed for London
Twenty-four hours more and he'll be on it
And I can't show my love, and I can't stop it
Ooh, I can't stop it
~~~~
There's a house there, somebody's waiting
Somebody else's arms will wrap around him
And in that moment what will he think then...
When I can't touch him
~~~~
Chorus:
Maybe my love could fly over the ocean
Maybe my heart should try to leave him alone
All that I really know is that he's goin'
Too far from Texas
Too close to home
~~~~
In a room just outside of Houston
That's where I spend my nights trying to get through to him
He says he's comin' back in every letter...
But he might never
No he might never
~~~~
(Chorus)
~~~~
Does he know how long
I've waited for this love to come
Does he know I'm holdin' on
And that won't change no matter where he's gone
~~~~
(Chorus)
~~~~
Couldn't I, couldn't I wait
Couldn't he, couldn't he stay one more day

2002-02-09T03:00:00.000-06:00
He is MY father...

When I think about you
I think about how much I
Miss you when you're not around
When I think about you
I think about how much I
Can't wait to hear the sound
Of your laughter
Time and distance never matter
~~~
Chorus:
Well I miss you now
I have so many questions
About love and about pain
About strained relationships
About fame as only he could explain it to me
~~~~
Seems like yesterday
I think about how much I
Wish that you were here with me now
The invisible girl that was my name
She walks in and walks out
And I'm sorry now
I'm sorry now
~~~~
(Chorus)
~~~~
Paris to Rome, London to Paris
Always goodbye, I nearly couldn't bear it
Her heart settles down
She's back on that staircase
On the way up to her place
~~~~
(Chorus)

2002-02-09T00:35:00.000-06:00
~~~

2002-02-07T23:38:00.000-06:00
i am through wasting my time trying to reason with an insane person i guess the time has come to do something that has been long in waiting for awhile. guess we will all have to wait and see what that is since i have been advised to break all contact with this person pending further action. oh well and i was having so much fun to bad it had to be this way but you know how some are they have to bring innocents into it because they have run out of vicious things to say and do oh well it is out of my hands now. i leave you with a good nite because all in all mine really hasnt been that bad!
posted by deanna stambaugh at Thursday, February 07, 2002

Well then it would be nice if she just DID that right? But I have zipped through three AOL IP's banning like a banning woman trying to stop her from ahhh....being in CONTACT with me!

It was not very long ago that my (still) dear friend Chris told me, "Tamara, if you just leave them alone, then they will just leave you alone." This in reference to my very mean family. I remember I told him then something like but you just do not know my Mother Marie Chris, nor my sister Deanna! They love to fight, they love to cause trouble and they love more than anything being in the middle of conflict! Poor guy, he persisted, but Tamara if you just do NOT respond, if you just FORGET they are even here in this world, they will soon go try their destruction elsewhere...right? Well a normal human being would do this, yes. But those types who love to constantly cause trouble or thrive on ultimate conflict, no they will not just slither away as we would like to hope. No not until you actually beat them at their own games! After getting several e-mails from one of my watch dog buds, I finally forced myself to go see what she was saying and my so called mother were saying. Sure, I could have ignored them but then I get E-mails from my mother using her work IP and thats it! I finally force myself to go over to my sisters site. And believe me folks, I had to force myself! When I did tell her several times to STOP this crap I am sick of it from her and my mother, she still continues. Then goes onto my journal and picks it up all over again. Well I refused to let it go on, I had to do something to STOP this crap once again before it got started all over again. I posted her pic up on here because my intent was pure and simple. I had (still do have) one very easy request from the both of them! LEAVE ME ALONE! I can't say it enough, LEAVE ME ALONE! It's really not that hard, I promise you, I did it! It was ever so easy for me to just forget they existed. I can't understand what is so hard for them to figure out! So as simple as I can put this, Deanna, if you will stay out of my life, I take YOURS off of my web page. Again, not the way I want to handle things but when you are dealing with such low intelligence, in order to actually break through to that type of brain sometimes you honestly have to do things that THEY can understand. She and my Mother totally understand THIS, so maybe I can now be left in peace....We can all only hope....

2002-02-07T22:37:00.000-06:00
Children Learn What They Live
Author: Unknown

If a child lives with criticism, she learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule, she learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame, he learns to be guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance, she learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise, she learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice,
If a child lives with security, she learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
they learn to find love in the world.

2002-02-07T21:26:00.000-06:00
This, woman is a pure picture of evil! This is the commenter DEANNA who is not only hateful but spiteful! As you can see, she needs help! Deanna, when you cannot love yourself how do expect to be able to love anyone else? How do you expect to LOVE your own child? It all starts on your inside Deanna, if your inside is ugly than you will project ugliness. All you are doing is showing just how ugly you are. You say you do not care about me, you say you want nothing to do with me, then move on! You are making yourself look worse than you already do sister, and besides, frankly, no one cares...

2002-02-07T21:16:00.000-06:00
The SUN was wonderful today!

It's funny but I have always believed that after a really bad storm and the sun comes out or you even see those slights of rainbows trailing in the air high above, that the rain always has a purpose. The dark clouds, the thunder, the lightning, it all has this purpose and to prove it you always see a wonderful day after a good storm. Ever notice that?

The same goes in one's life. Often we weather storms with terrible winds, loud thunder, pouring down rain and lightning to scare even the fieriest of animals, the Lion! Which to me is only rather symbolic since I am a Leo, which is a Lion. Or do we call that a lioness?

LIKES

Speculative ventures
Lavish Living
Pageantry and Grandeur
Children
Drama

DISLIKES

Doing things safely
Ordinary,Day to day living
Small minded people
Penny pinching
Mean spiritedness

Yep sounds a bit like me if I do say so myself.

Today was one of the most beautiful days that I have ever seen! Not only was the weather wonderful, but the air was crisp and clean! Sure I had the dozens of meetings and tons of things to do all at one time, but it was a beautiful day! Which only proved to me once again that yes after a storm, there is this beautiful rainbow that unfolds a beautiful day! And in all honesty, you cannot keep a good woman/man down! Tis true! Though we may fall or though we may have these "trials" we must endure, in the end the decent person will not stay on the bottom with the bottom feeders very long!

I can honestly say, on a good day, I am not Mentally Disturbed. This really made my day. I mean when you are told you are (or worse) all in one evening, you can begin to wonder right? But then I found this wonderful Poem and decided that I recall and still do how I use to feel that exact way about my Mother....and the sad truth of the matter is that Parents who were abuse, normally will abuse their own children and I can still forgive her, and have. The world can be such a cruel place, but it is how you accept what happens and how you choose to react to what life has given you that makes all the difference. I still (and always will) refuse to hate....

Quote of the day:

"Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it."
Mark Twain

Oh Mr. Twain how you were so right! They say one comes up with such things via experience, how sad it must have been for Mark Twain....

2002-02-06T19:26:00.000-06:00
I think I got my point across, or at least I hope I did. I don't think it is too much to ask that my sister Deanna and her Mother Marie just go live their lives and stay out of mine? It really is very simple, you stay on your side of the world, and I stay on mine. How hard is that to understand? I post something very true about my Father and my Mother cannot stand to see the truth so she freaks. What does it matter to her anyway? She has long since been rid of the man. She is not suppose to even care about him, she is re-married (several times) so she should just let THIS CHILD LOVE her father as he deserves to be loved! Without him, I would NOT be here today! Give the man a little credit and give yourself some peace and just leave me alone Maried and Deanna. GET A LIFE, and just stay out of MINE, very simple. At least I think it is....

2002-02-05T21:22:00.000-06:00
In light of MG's Grandmother's passing, I wanted to do just what he asked us to do on our own web logs. I wanted to remember someone I care very much for. Someone who I may never understand but have always looked up to and respected. When I was growing up I remember summer nights in my bed with all the windows propped wide open to let the warm summer air come in. I remember just being in that bed still as the night listening for my Father's car to pull up. I use to worry about him. See no matter what my evil Mother can say there is one thing that everyone involved has to agree with, my Father worked his ass off! My Mother would have anyone and everyone who would listen believe that my Father was Satin himself, but what she would not want anyone to know is that it was my Father who actually hugged us kids and kissed us kids good night when she was too busy watching T.V. or to put it bluntly BITCHING about anything and everything! (Which she still does a wonderful job of to this day!) My Father would work two jobs, or six if he needed to, to make sure we all had things to put on our backs and food to eat on our table. He and my Mother got married way too young in a time when a woman being pregnant before marriage was an ultimate sin. Both dropped out of Highschool, for one my Mother was told to leave, my Father was told he now had a family with which he was going to have to support. It was the raging 60's. The Viet Nam war was in the middle of American destruction. The draft was put up on televisions all over this fine Country, it was called, "The Roll". Every young man had a number, still do, and they would watch the T.V. to see if their number would come up to fight for their country. Black people hated white people and white people hated black people. Tensions were high in any large city. So much was going on at that time it makes me wonder how anyone made it out of the 60's even half way sane!

At the time when my Mother was pregnant with me, a man named Charles Manson was on a killing spree. The Beatles were belting out tunes that we still sing to today. Sharon Tate's unborn baby would have been about the same age as me, had it lived. Life was a mess in the 60's, so I am told. It is not hard to figure that life was simply not right back then when we have so much anger and hate that was born in that era. Sad as it is, no on seems to have learned from History. At any rate, my Father was a loving man. No matter how hard things were for he and my Mother, he loved his children. When he himself had a horrid childhood, he tried as best as he could to provide a better one for all of his children. Eventually, he came to a point in his life where he felt for whatever reason, he could no longer be a Father. In essence, he killed himself, his life and what he could have now. His Father before him had killed himself, which no doubt left my Father himself reeling down another twist in his life that was once again tragic.

My Father taught me many things that to this day I have never forgotten. While out and about with this man I watched as he would help people he did not know. He would open doors for woman in the middle of Woman's Lib. He did not care if he was out numbered, if someone needed help, he helped them. There were and are so many good things about my Father that after I read MG's post about his Grandmother, I wanted to say it. My Grandmother, my Father's Mother, was an angel in my eyes. She still is. Had it not been for my Father and my Grandmother I have no doubt I would have ended up a very angry and ugly young woman. Life gives you knocks, he use to say, but it totally depends on how you fight them in the end. I was a trumpet player in my school's band. I remember one time, when my Father was suppose to be working, I spotted him up the isle while I did a solo in front of the whole auditorium. He was in the back, but right in the middle of the isle so I could see that he was there to watch me. After I played my solo, which I was totally freaked out about doing in the first place, he bowed to me as he took off his cap. When he raised his head up to look at me, he smiled and put his fist over his heart with his thumb in the air. With that, he turned around and was gone. My Father was always like that. He never wanted anyone to really know he had this huge heart. So without further to do, I want to share a photo of me when I was his little angel and he was my super hero. Sorry it is a bit fuzzy but it is not only old but it is not in great shape. MG, all I can say is you are blessed you had the chance to say you loved your Grandmother and the chance to say good bye. I won't feel sorry for you, but happy for you! Those of us who have that chance and that time with those we love before they pass should be thankful. I am thinking of you MG just like I am thinking of my Father and the time I never will have to say Good Bye...

FORGIVE HIM NOW by Frank Whitney
That little slight of yesterday, don't let it spoil your day today;
that little word, that little shrug, last night they passed away;
between the sunset and the dawn, God blotted out the slight,
to clear the past of it's mistakes, God used the ink of night.

With love to my Father.....

2002-02-04T23:18:00.000-06:00
Well I am not all too sure what to say. The pic is cute, oh yes I do like it. It's not that, I am just still sick, can't seem to shake the sore throat and headache thing. Work is benevolent, notice how "...volent" almost seems like violent? (just ignore me I am sick and sick people with fevers do and say werid shit!) I am not sure anymore if I have a cold or if I have a flu. I sort of hurt all over and do have the slight fever. When I took Mr. Yeller dog outside for his walk this eve, I almost froze to death. It is not that cold out, believe me. It is suppose to snow tomorrow, so that makes me happy! I love the snow. When I went to Montana I just simply fell in love with the snow cap mountains and that fresh air! Makes me think that someday I will end up way up there. Or at least some place that has seasons! When I lived in the cold north I did not get sick near as much. I think it is because in the North where it does get cold and actually freezes, it kills all those ucky germs or something.

2002-02-04T09:38:00.000-06:00
(Edit: Picture has been removed.)

2002-02-03T21:40:00.000-06:00
The Super Bowl end marks the begining of the wonderful Chicago Cubs season! To me, whenever the Bowl was played I always knew that spring was on the way and that soon, oh so soon, I would become a bleecher bum for the Boyz of Summer! I love Baseball!!! No goofy looking cheerleaders, no bull shit about players peeping at them via a hole they all knew was there, no crap about the Cowboys drug problem or other crap'o'la along those lines. Nope just good clean fun! I can't wait for this year! As much as I hate to admit it, *and I really DO hate to admit this*, but Texas Rangers have got one hell of a starting line-up this year! I am actually thinking I may have to spend quality R & R at that new oversized ugly ass ball park they have! Season tickets....umm..doubt it, but the games are cheap enough.....

2002-02-03T19:15:00.000-06:00
I think it is so wrong that stores are going out of biz that have been here forever!

Today I ran over to Service Merchandise because a friend of mine was just about gung ho to check out the misfortune of this long time business who (as he said) BIT the DUST. The sad part about such events are the people. People do freaky things when they are in a store that is "eating the dust" so to speak. Shoppers under normal circumstances do enough junk to make my eyes wide as saucers, but put them into a situation where they think they are going to get the "Steal of a lifetime" and you have utter chaos! Woman doing funky things while shopping, but if a sign says 50% off they are at war with all fellow shoppers! They take no hostages and could give a shit if you have an item in your hands or not! They, are what all men only WISH they could be on the battle field, EVIL! So I picked out some much needed lamps. Yeah I hate to shop but to get three really nice lamps that are brushed steel and look ever so lofty for only 30 bucks I had to buy! But the best buy that I got was something no one else wanted to fight with me over! It is this really cool glass well...glass...um...it looks like an over sized candy dish that is splashed with red and yellow...I will just have to take a pic of it to show you all, it's hard to explain. But it was the only one and it was imported from France, normally going for 80 bucks and I got it for a whole 10 bucks! (they had no idea what it was no doubt!) hahaha...I love it!

Now it's back to the Super Bowl, I am ahead and U2 is playing...YEAH!!! (remember when they played in Dallas they waved at me ? ? ?) hahah I LOVE living here, just love it!!!!

2002-02-03T18:22:00.000-06:00
Oh MY GOD DENISE!!!! IF YOU TOUCHED
IT, you KNOW I will get to be the first one to baby sit for you and Chuck!!!! (see at the last party Tina had, Ru tells us that whoever touches this THING will then become PREGO almost instantly!) Thanks Denise, that made me really smile! I needed a good smile! I wish I had gotten to come and wish the "J" man a happy birthday! So better late than never, right Ru? :-)

2002-02-03T02:39:00.000-06:00
I am sort of well..

Here it is Sunday morning and I am looking at my blog page thinking, " OH great no posts in how long?" Well the fact is I have been just down right sick, that is until today. Today I felt better, yeah, and I went to a movie. (believe folks I said I WENT to a movie!) Dana, a good friend of mine called Friday and we had missed each other, found each other late on Sat. and headed to a movie. This was not just any movie, oh no, this was a CHICK movie! Better known as a CHICK FLICK by many. I must say though while driving home after leaving her place, the movie was so cute! I laughed so much and I even actually began to think that there really were MY kind of men in the world! Yeah yeah, I know you wanna know what movie I am talking about? It was Kate and Leopold! In short, Meg Ryan falls in love with Hugh Jackman, which I must admit chilled me a bit. I mean it is too bad that movies were not true life! Hugh was awesome! Not that I know movies, I normally never get to see them. However, this one is very good, go see it!

Speaking of the perfect man, there was this little excerpt from the movie that I just grew instantly fond of! Hugh was talking with Meg's brother. Meg's brother was trying to explain to this 1800's dude how you wash dishes in the dish washer. He showed Hugh how to do it and when it came time to push the dish washer button, Meg's brother said, "Oh and do NOT start this thing until you see here get up, or as in SEE her in the same room!" Of course Hugh looks at this guy and askes what? W.T.F. sort of look on his face, he finally goes WHY? The brother says something so profound, I rolled over laughing! He said, "Because a man who washes a dish, unseen, is a man who never washed!" I think guys get such a bad rap about house work. It has been my experience that we woman have a problem with the way they do things in the home, such as dish washing. When they do something, woman still bitch about it not being done right! But then if they do nothing, out of fear of being bitched at for doing it wrong, woman bitch at them about doing nothing! A very strange world we live in people, very strange!

I noticed that Chris has been a bit too busy recently since he has not claimed my web site or his for the photos of his trip here to Dallas. Either that or they really are not all that great like I thought from the get go! (just kidding Chris I am sure your pics turned out wonderful!)

Tonight I finally made an art purchase of sorts. I finally purchased some paints to begin painting again. I use to love to paint, was sort of good at it, and for sometime now I have wanted to pick it up again. It looks like, while watching the the super bowl tomorrow, I will paint in between. Ahh yes, I am pleased. Eventually maybe I can snap a few shots of what I paint and put it up here, but I give you no promise in doing so. You will just have to keep your eyes open and wonder...

It is back to bed for me, I need my sleep in a bad way right now. Took some cold meds and I am getting very sleepy...Oh but before I go I was thinking how great it is that I have such wonderful friends! All of your cards and e-mails have made me feel so much better! It is a real blessing that I have you all as such close family! And that is how I think and consider most of you, my real family, the only ones that count or matter! Huggles!

2002-01-31T19:10:00.000-06:00
Wonderful! Just wonderful! All these many weeks of working like a dog, not sleeping right and for sure not eating right along with the major change in the weather has earned me: SICK! I am sick. Fever, cough, head drainage, ear pain and a banging head! I should not even be bitching though since I wanted the weather to change but damn! Went all winter just about and not one sniffle! Well at least I work at the best place, a hospital! I mean if you get sick you just go to the Employee health clinic, get checked out and get free drugs! If I m not better tomorrow I will get my "hall pass" to go! Yeah you actually get a pass from your supervisor to get into the clinic. Makes you feel so young again!

I can't wait to see Chris's photos from his visit. Grant it, I saw most of them while he was here but they will look better after he gets done with them no doubt!

2002-01-30T20:31:00.000-06:00
When your day begins with Tom Daschle...

This morning started off like any other morning: I got woke-up by Mr. Yellerdog since I could not hear my alarm. We got read and headed outside for his morning run. Got into the shower. (the news going on the T.V.) Then thats when it turned really ugly!!! Right there on my T.V. was Tom Daschle! No this is not extraodinary in the least. What made this idiot moment an EVENT was that while I was standing there listening to his bullshit, for a fleeting moment I felt compelled to have ugly (bad Tamara's brain) thoughts about the man! I stood there with my hair dripping wet, bod still wrapped in my towel and thinking, "Gee Daschle is actually a really nice looking guy...I could see myself with him!" Holy SHIT then I snap out of it when Mr. Yellerdog begins to bark up at me almost being able to read my thoughts and freaking out because of them! (Did I mention my dog is VERY social and VERY political?) It was like the little yeller man was saying, "As if that-

Ari FLEISCHER moment was not bad enough?" So I snap to the real world and begin to think how much my tummy hurt and that maybe at this point the day is just not going to be worth salvage, I should call in sick. It would not have been a lie because after I heard that nice looking (COUGH) man spaek more I DID get ill thinking of how many things he has and is doing to be such a very helpful nice looking man....urggg...the day was already spinning.

It's raining. Been sort of doing it off and on all day. They say it is going to turn off cold, the Northern front is moving down through Texas. Yeah well I sure as hell wish it would finally make it freaking here! I mean it has been up in the high 60's and low 70's this whole dang month! And humid! We all HATE humidity, don't we now? Well this chick does. Either way it is just not normal, no sir not normal at all! Lunch was just not there. I walked over to this spot Chris and I found when he was here that had a Starbucks Coffee shop. Me and my coffee..gotta HAVE IT! Well I went in to get a chicken sandwich or something that would sort of fill me up, and I had to wade through a whole line of homeless people. This kills me. So I go in, get my food and head back. On the corner, this poor guy asks if I have some spare change. I actually told him no! Oh my GOD I told him NO? I am at the walkway getting ready to move onto the otherside of the street and it hits me...I TOLD HIM NO? So I stepped back out of the crosswalk and headed back to him and handed him my last dollar I had in my purse. He was shocked, but not near as much as I had been when I actually walked by that poor man! Sniff. On my way back to the office I decided to sit on a bench for a bit just to sort of take in what was going on around me and breathe. Not too long after, a lady who was not dressed in homeless garb, came up to me and asked me if she could talk to me. I told her of course. She told me she was really embarrassed about this but her husband and her split up and she drove here to get to (I forget where) anyway that was about a month ago. Her car broke down and she has been trying to find a job to get to where she needed to get to. She has been working jobs by the day but for the past four days there has not been any work and she was just plain hungry! She asked me if I would take her to the pizza shop and get her a slice of pizza and she really would pay me back...I looked down at my nice looking bag with the nice big chicken sandwich in it with the french fries I neither wanted nor needed and told her she could have it if she liked chicken? She sat down right there and ate it all as if there was nothing better in the world and all the while she thanked me so very much and wanted to know where to mail my money for it? I got up and told her I hoped the best for her but she could not mail me money for something that I obviously had gotten for her in the first place...I smiled, she smiled and I went back to work.

Over at Toadies house there has been something brewing. It seems that everyone has been for the past few days, touchy. Just down right Bitchy even! I dunno something in the air KD thought. I have to agree, there really IS something going on. I mean who could forget that today was Bloody Sunday back in 1972? The song most of us know (and many have no idea what it means) Bloody Sunday...bloody Sunday... Sure today is not Sunday but it is the birthday of that date, and God knows the Irish have had their share of trauma, this just added to it all the more!

At any rate, if you look at History of the January 30ths of the past, it is obvious that something about this week, or day is not exactly right....

2002-01-29T22:33:00.000-06:00
Hey I found the song Brent!

The other day Brent and I came up with a really cool idea! He is an awesome puter dude when it comes to flashes! So after I saw the cool flash he had done, I told him I thought it would be really cool for him to like do something like that for the blog! You know sort of like an intro but something that people had the option to click on if they wanted to, my very own "About me" page set up with a cool flash of several pics with a really good song to go with it. Anyway he said he would do it, actually he came up with doing it for me! Then of course I told him I would work on getting some of my best photos to him along with a good tune. The photos are slow because of how damn busy I have been but by GOD I found the song I want!!! I just heard it tonight! No web page but they have an awesome song so be on the look out for Trik Turner singing a cool tune called, "Friends and Family"! Thats the song Brent! Yes sir thats the song....now just have to get you those pics.....sigh...I promise I am working on it, I really promise! (I am so excited about him doing this for me, it's just so damn frustrating to be so sleepy when I think of all this.....)

2002-01-29T20:23:00.000-06:00
....Yes....so it is true and I can't do anything about it...

I was thinking the other night how we bloggers put so much of our lives out here because we enjoy the art of writting as much as we enjoy the fun of seeing people who enjoy the reading. I probably more than most bloggy buds I have, tend to put lots of me out here and have no reservations about doing it one bit! Shy? Hell no, well maybe a little. Reserved? Well maybe only in matters of love or my heart. Last night, had it not been for me being so freaking dead off of my feet, I would have put this post on here. But then looking back it would not have been very good or probably my numbers I see visit this site every day would totally drop off to about FIVE, had I put it out here last night! In light of that I probably should just trash the post, but then I have never just trashed a possible post.

I have been asked many times via e-mails and chats even, what makes me tick. Who am I? Why am I the way I am? How can I know what I do when I do? The list goes on actually and for the most part I am passive or maybe reserved about actually spelling such things out for people. However, it has become apparent after today's e-mail that I can run but I cannot hide! So without further to do, here is Pristine, the side you never knew:

Since I was a little girl, I have always known that I really am different than most people. Not in a bad or a good way, but just that when I would see other kids playing and going about their little lives, I just knew I was not the same. When someone would walk past me or brush up against me in the ever so slightest way, not even on purpose most of the time, I discovered I could see things about them. Things that I personally would much rather NOT see normally. There was the man at the supermarket who loaded my Grandmother's salt into her car for her water softener thingy. He was nice enough. He did not look mean, not in the least. I would have never thought otherwise until he put his hand on my shoulder to you know just sort of pat me to say something like you help your Grandma unload that now, you hear? When he did, it was then that the chill curled all through my body and flashes like a photo show spread throught my brain! It was the first time I knew that I could not just ignore what I had seen, it chilled me so badly that my Grandmother actually thought I was getting sick or something! I turned white as a sheet and every nerve ending in my all of five years old body was tweaking as if someone had hit me with a cattle prod! This man, I deemed, was evil! I could feel it, and I knew I could not denie it! What I saw that day was the day I began to slowly understand (something that would take me a life time thus far to deal with even.) that not only was I different but I was weird! In an odd sort of childhood curiousity I began to experiment with this knew found skill I never knew I had. On the play ground I would try to brush up against someone I did not know and see if it worked. It did not always work, or maybe it did I just was not listening, I really did not know, but when it did work it was a whole new picture show going off in my head like a movie projector of the other person's life! Then came the day I realized I could do the same thing in my own family! I could get a hug from my Father and see what his day was like. I could see my Mother when I got home from school and almost read her thoughts. This could or should have driven me clearly insane if it was not that there were moments where I actually thought I WAS insane! Imagine being five or six years old having this stuff go on? No one to turn to. No one to talk to about it, no one to understand it with me!

In time I was able to learn to hold my mouth shut when I saw or felt something strange, but even still I knew at a young age not only was this not normal but it was freaky and even at that age I knew people never understood or took freaks well. So it was then that I just would either ignore it or stuff the feelings way down deep inside, out of fear more or less. It seemed that I was able to sort of stuff this more than not stuff it, I would play a game of over powering the thoughts by thinking several other thoughts while the picture shows would go off. It worked and served me well for my school years. But as I became an adult it only became that much more difficult to ignore such things. I remember a long time ago telling my Mother without telling my Mother that it seemed like I was always in this struggle with good and evil. She probably did not even hear me or if she did she probably thought I was nuts like she has always thought. But it was my last feeble way to try to get her to listen or SOMEONE to hear me and try to make sense of what I could not. When I was very little and would wake up screaming from something that I pushed out of my head from some unknown persons touch, my Dad would come in and sit on the edge of the bed and ask me what was wrong. I never would tell him, just tell him I had another very bad dream. At one point, this thing I had going on got to me when I would go into the sublime sleep mode that I was up constantly with my so called nightmares. My Father, not knowing what else to, came in one night with my greatgrandmother's bible. He sat on the edge of the bed and told me that this was her bible and it was very old. (It was white with a zipper that closed it up) He told me to sleep with this book and it would keep all the bad dreams away from me while I slept. I still have that zipper white bible to this day, though it did not chase the so called dreams away, but it did make me have more control over myself when I had them so I would not wake him up. I wanted him to believe he had done the right thing and what he had done had worked. It has been a very lonely life, this one I lead. Some of my dearest friends have been Privi to what I can do. Normally it scares the shit out of them at first but when they see that I seriously am not doing it to scare them to death but rather it is just a part of me, they accept it. In some cases even try to understand it. I have had friends that have even called me to ask me what they should do or should not do. What I have does not work like that, it sort of works on it's own, but they I think felt the comfort in knowing I could not feel anything either way.

Chris has always known some of these things about me. My other best friend Mike also has come to terms with what I can do and how he knows not to ask questions when I am off on some research quest about something no on else in their right minds would waste their time on. I have learned a lot about people just because of this gift. I say gift now because it is, though it feels sometimes like a curse, I know it is a gift. It would help me a bunch if the thing came with instructions, but none the less I am dealing with it. I feel when people are sad. When they have been or are being hurt. I seem to know who has suffered at some point in their lives, and even for some strangers have seen that they will suffer soon. It is a hard row to ho sometimes but I know there is a reason why it is what it is. My blog world has offered me so much in way of being able to see things about people I have never met. Weird as it sounds, hell even as crazy as it sounds, it's true. (I am no shrink anymore than I am a Mrs. Cleo, believe me) But, for the person who is reading this from a cold place, it WILL get better. I am not the answer to everything but I know your life WILL get better. There has been a bottom that you have reached and you can now look up because the skies are going to begin to turn blue rather than black and grey. (Sigh) So now you all know one of my deepest secrets, you are free to run right off the ledge now.....(meaning the Pristine's Ledge!)

2002-01-29T16:30:00.000-06:00
Last night, I returned from Dallas, Texas where I was fortunate to have the chance to spend time again with the one-of-a-kind Tamara. I will post more pictures here in the days to come but in the meantime, I wanted to get this -- a result of my observations of and interactions with the Dallas Dynamo -- out to all of you.

A Few More Things Everyone Ought to Know about Pristine

She is one of the smartest people you will ever be lucky enough to come across and, in less than five munutes, she can teach you how to play chess.

She has a really cool pickup truck. Oh yeah, although she has really fantastic hair too, the line "I like your hair" really doesn't work on her.

Weirdness follows her. People tell her things they shouldn't. The bad: she usually hears more than she needs (or wants) to know. The good: people tell her how to win stuff.

She is as passionate about life and her many causes as she is selflessly big-hearted. On more occasions than I could keep count, she went out of her way to help the elderly, people in wheelchairs, and children, before she continued on.

Thank you Tamara for sharing your time with me. The world needs more people like you.

2002-01-28T23:07:00.000-06:00
Check out who has a new FACE!!!!

2002-01-28T20:07:00.000-06:00
So he got to see my haunting places...

This past weekend has been so fun! Chris and I had so much fun! I took him old book shopping! I found a treasure for my old book collection! The 1952 printed version of the Emily Post book "Etiquette". I am still looking for my first printed edtion from 1922, but 1952 was still a good find! I think Chris had fun, I know I did. We ended it with lunch today at the Plaza of Americas and he was so sweet because he gave me flowers! Always the gentlemen and forever will be my best friend! We also found a really cool book dated back to 1908! This is an except from that book which I thought fitting:

A Note From Me To You
I think about you often,
and I'd write you every day,
But there's so very little
That seems worth while to say.
It either rains or doesn't rain,
It's either hot or cold,
The news is al unint'resting,
Or else it's all been told.
The only thing that matters
Is the fact that you are there
and i am here without you,
and it's lonesome everywhere.
I think abot the way you smile
And I recall your touch...
And distance lends enchantment-
and--I miss you very much.....

I am glad we had the time we did Chris, it was nice to have family around me for a whole weekend!!! HUGGLES!!!

2002-01-26T02:10:00.000-06:00
Hmmmm got this totally interesting e-mail. Something about LINK ME sorta deal....and then who do I find when I start to look (since he did not give me the www.com bull), it is "D"!!! A man who has lazeroused from the dead to become the walking dead live dude! Welcome back to earth D, it is great to see you are still live and kicking. What ARE you going to do with those house pics? hahahaha You made my night err.. morning knowing you are actually ALIVE and well! Huggles!

2002-01-26T01:47:00.000-06:00
HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD?

First of all I wanted to report that Chris and I did get together. I showed him Deep ellum, the roof top and of course some of downtown. He took a billion or so photos of me, believe me at least a billion! We had lots of fun. I got him to drink one of my famous "M" brews and even an apple pucker shot! Whewww whooo...

Now on to further pressing items. What in the freaking world is going on with the American people? I mean this is far from biz as usual after September 11th! Oh no this is just down right MAD! First of all we have this 260 pound man who is pissed at another Father at his son's hockey practice, who proceeds to litterally beat this other child's Father to death! Keeping note here that the Father he killed only weighed in at almost half this fat slobs weight! Mr. Junta testified at his trial that he tried to avoid a fight and struck Mr. Costin in self-defense. A medical examiner said Mr. Costin suffered severe brain injuries, and others said Mr. Junta pounded Mr. Costin's head and was red-faced with rage! SELF DEFENSE??? Umm...the last time I checked, self defense does not include pinning someone down on an ice rink and giving a blow to the neck that crushes the main artery in his neck does it? So the man does this in front of several children! Then we find out that the asshole has had a long standing order of protection against him since 1991 for beating the hell out of his wife, in front of his own children at a wedding reception! All I heard from people in the DFW area was how the Father that got beat to death was a royal asshole and how no one liked him and he (get this!) GOT WHAT HE DESERVED!!! Not to mention the few people who went one step further with this sort of trash to include, "Well thats just one less jerk we have to deal with in this world..." W.T.F. is going on with these people??? A man was KILLED in front of several children, one being the man's own son mind you, and he got what he deserved? To boot the whole thing straight over the wall of pathetic, the murderer Thomas Junta only pulled a whole whopping 6 to 10 YEARS!!! And the most heart wrenching testimony came from the dead man's son, The father who beat another man to death at their sons' hockey practice was sentenced to six to 10 years in prison Friday after the victim's 13-year-old boy urged a judge to "teach him a lesson." "Let the world know that a person can't do what he did to my family," Michael Costin said in an unwavering voice. "No matter how much of a sentence that you give to Thomas Junta, my dad got more." Yeah buddy! I bet that really taught that menece to society a REALLY BIG lesson there judge...and the whole world as well! When a person can get more years in prison on inflated drug charges than for killing a man in cold blood in front of several CHILDREN, the world has simply gone plum mad!

So then the next real kicker of the news day came from Starke Florida! You have a man on death row who mouthed off to one of the guards at some point. I mean hell the guy is on freaking death row, it is not like he is going to go anywhere right? These asshole guards decide they "We [were] going down there to teach him that he can't be threatening officers," Mr. Hanson said in the videotape, recorded on Jan. 22, 2000.
"If I knew he was going to die, I would have never – I would never have done that," he said. Makes a lot of sense people, a whole lotta sense! After a noncombative Mr. Valdes was subdued in his cell, Mr. Hanson said, the inmate was repeatedly kicked and punched by the guards. Mr. Brown kicked Mr. Valdes "as hard as he could," Mr. Hanson said. Mr. Valdes' many injuries included a broken nose and broken jaw and 30 rib fractures. The inmate was thrown on a garbage cart and wheeled to the clinic, where he was examined. One of the guards punched Mr. Valdes in the stomach while at the clinic, Mr. Hanson said. He was placed in a wheelchair and taken back to a different cell. "I didn't want Valdes beaten anymore, so I accompanied him down the hallway," Mr. Hanson said. "I wish I had been a bigger man when he was in his cell." Now tell me, anyone, what in the hell is going on with this world? Where has this world taken a left turn and am I like one of the very few still hanging onto the rope waiting for it to stop spinning so that I can swing myself back onto the surface? Not only has human life been delegated as who is more important by our justice system, but now we have a society who very much like that of a freaked-out, fucked-up Steven King novel! Am I a overreacting a bit? HELL NO, at least I have something that resembles a reaction, unlike so many millions of my counter-parts I have to call fellow human beings!!!

One day when my brother was pulling the legs off of grasshoppers, I got upset at him! It made me so upset because he found enjoyment in yanking legs off of this bug! I asked him how would he feel if he was given the same treatment? He just laughed and me and said I was just a sissy girl and girls are not suppose to understand why boys are so much more fun than they are! If anyone else would have laid a hand on my brother, which they did, I would beat the tar out of them, which I did, and I love him very much. But I do remember going after him like flies on shit because of this grasshopper deal. Later that night my Grandfather was sitting outside reading his news paper. I use to talk to my Grandfather a lot when most everyone else sort of ignored him. I was talking to him about this grasshopper deal since I was the one who got into the most trouble for trying to show my brother how wrong he was. My Grandfather just folded down his paper and looked at me and said something that I now find profound! He said, "Tamara, no matter how hard you try to understand it, you may never ever be able to. In this world there is nothing on this earth as cruel and as heartless as human beings!" He went on to say that if there were an automatic internal machine, which he said I must have, that would do to the human what he did to others, then the humans would stop acting the way they blame animals for acting! How profound that is! With all of the technology we have at our finger tips now, we still cannot find a way to repair what so many human's brains lack! Feelings and the ability to know right acts from wrong acts!

2002-01-24T23:47:00.000-06:00
You know Chris is less than three miles down the road from me and I have yet to be able to get my arse over there to see him! DAMN WORK! Well I can't damn work because I love work but damn I wish I could work when I wanted TO work. MUST FIND A DOCTOR (oops) or a LAWYER (oops) to marry that is RICH (BIG oops) so I can go to law school (BIGGEST OOPS) and not have to work! Sigh....going to the bat chamber to revite myself for a yummy breakfast with the major geek over at geek em....sigh...my finger nails still look like shit....

2002-01-23T19:35:00.000-06:00
I am ALL about GOOD…

A very old toothless man that works at the hospital was walking in the hallway this morning. I had met him a few weeks ago, he kissed my hand and said what a beautiful person I am, and added how lucky my boss was he ended up with a good soul to work for him. I had not thought much about that since it happened. My boss had told me Jack was full of knowledge and was one of his favorite people at the hospital. He was truly a good man! So when I seen Jack this morning I wanted to tell him hello. He was surprised that I had remembered him, though he remembered me and my name no less! After our brief conversation, he took my hand and told me to tell my boss that I had done my good dead for the day and should have the rest of the day off! I looked at him and asked him what was it that I had done that was so good? He grinned at me and winked and he said you my dear, made an old man very happy to be alive today! You also made my day! Funny, after I walked away, I thought is that not what anyone would do? Stop and say hello to those they knew? So on I went with my hauling of my luggage for my In-service. When I walked into my conference room and began to set up, another upper management person came in and just began to talk with me. Not at me, but with me. Later on that afternoon after the second of two meetings had finished, that same man talked with me again. Before we departed, he looked at me and say, it was so nice to just talk with you! I mean JUST talk, about nothing special, but just talk you know? Again, I thought hummm is that not what people do? On my way back to my office, I stopped off at this place that is sort of a homeless hang out, I was not hungry but I picked out a group of homeless people and asked the waitress what they were eating? She told me and then I asked her how much the bill was? It was all of $16.00 and some change. I paid her for it and asked her not to tell them who did it but that it was paid for. She almost started to cry? I asked her what was wrong? She said she had never had anyone just come in for coffee and just pay for someone else’s meal like that…it just caught her off guard is all. I looked at her and said, but is that not what people are suppose to do if they can? She just shook her head and said there must not be very many of those people out here that you talk about, but it would be nice if there were…

When I got back to the office, a lady was struggling to get the big heavy doors open to the front of the building while she balanced the load she carried. The whole time people just pushing by her, never stopping to help and I stopped to help her. I got on the elevator with my load and part of hers and went with her to her floor. Dropped her off at her desk and she was just amazed. I asked her why? And she said people just do not do that for other people you know? Funny, I told her, I thought PEOPLE were suppose to do things like that?

What has happened to all of us as people? Since when do we live in our own little worlds with no one else living in the same world with us? Why is it so hard to be a good person? Why is it so hard just to be nice? When you do nice things or in mind the right things, people think there is something wrong with you or you want to gain something. Why? I don’t understand why it has become so uncommon for people to just BE good people! So, in honor of this tomorrow, ALL of you, do something out of your ordinary! When you pull up to park at that meter, put some extra change in the one in front of yours or behind yours! When you see someone sad, extend a hand to make them at least smile! If you see a homeless person, give em a buck, what would you have used it for anyway? What about doing something tomorrow that’s all about good? Try it! You may find that you actually LIKE it! If you notice it takes an EFFORT to do this, then you are not doing it enough and keep doing it until you find that it takes an effort NOT to do it! If we all did that more often, then no one would be in a state of shock when someone did something nice for us! Kindness spreads just as fast as hatred. Yeah I know…I am on that soapbox again? No not really, I just know that when you get to a place where you FEEL for other humans, you also FEEL for yourself! When you get to a place where you love other humans you also can find it easier to love yourself! If more of us did such small things, surely the world would have to grow to be a better place right?

2002-01-22T21:40:00.000-06:00
Another man from Jasper Texas is killed. Is it Racial or is it just killing?

2002-01-22T18:54:00.000-06:00
SO HE THINKS he is going to haul this little ass shopping....humpf! Glasses for my face, that maybe ONE thing dammit..but SHOPPING thats a whole new rodeo baby! You can try...I always say never NOT try...but may the force be with ya! hehehe....

The meeting went splendid, of course, and yes it is truth positive....I should be a president's wife! Nough said on that one!

Tomorrows hell, that maybe another story...back to back in-service and meetings...may the force be WITH ME!!!!

2002-01-21T19:00:00.000-06:00
So everyone thought I was just out taking a break...hmmmm....yep maybe so. Well this is the scoop: I just moved into my new corner office minus a window, but whose bitching at this point? Better than the itty bitty cube that I was almost going to have to be subjected to. The mess up was a major mess up! But in the end, I did get an office with a door so I am happy!

I went out this weekend and did one of those dreaded female things....I purchased a bra! I am so telling all of you..BURN BRAS!!! I hate them and then I hate shopping for them even more than I hate having to wear them! Yeah I know, not too exciting...

Now that I am singing the "happy happy joy joy" song, anything that has gone really wrong today has sort of washed away! Yeah! I have been planning this meeting tomorrow for umm...about three months now. It's a major meeting. Lots of research, tons of planning and tomorrow it is going to go off without a single hitch! I swear I should be a presidents wife! I have this stuff down to an art! Planning and then gracefully making my entrance into the galla without a sweat upon either brow! Love it!

In a couple of days I have the final in-service of three that I have been going utterly crazy doing. Again, as with the other two, this one will be a planned breeze! Then I have a huge meeting directly after that, which is one that happens every other month. This day will be a back to back secret solid day!

Next...my Best Friend Chris will be in the big "D" for a dental something or another! Good thing about this is I have planned on spending some time with the chap! Right now the Ft. Worth Stock Show is going on....what do you all think....Chris in a Resistol Cowboy Hat? How bout them:

Yeah Chris may look better in the total black ones to match his hat? Hmmmm....looks like we will all find out soon! Welcome to Texas SOON Chris!!!

Hey, no one can say that we Texans do not welcome our buds! (oh...be prepared to drink some Shiner Bock Chris!> Uhum...I feel an all day Sat. at the Stock Yards drunk comming on.....LONG over due no doubt!!!! Good thing we are going to use the Rail!!!!

2002-01-17T22:28:00.000-06:00
On a night like tonight I simply must refuse to speak about my day! It only makes things worse the next day! Or so it seems, we will leave it at that! Now I want to talk about history, one of my favorite subjects! I have to say only one thing, if you have not read about or heard about or looked into the Federal Writers, it would do your heart good to educate yourself about them. The 1930's was such a horrific time for so many Americans. F.D.R. really did try to make life better, though in the end he made more mistakes than not, I must at least take my cowgirl hat off to him for the Federal Writers Project. Many people confuse the Federal Witers with several other groups, it's easy to do I am sure, but the Federal Writers were one creative bunch. I am an avid collector of very old books and I can assure you, it would be a prize to my collection to gain even a second print edition of one of those books they helped to create....sigh...think big, thats what I always say...

2002-01-16T22:43:00.000-06:00
Brent did an awesome flash promo! I mean it is really good! Go check IT out!

2002-01-16T21:50:00.000-06:00
....Oh can it get any better....

For lack of endurance to which I can finally say I have totally run out of, please go to see The PRISTINE day IN HELL....welcome to my world!!

Huggles everyone, I will be back in full dynamic form tomorrow...I promise! Now where did I put my bath tub....

2002-01-15T20:35:00.000-06:00
DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE WEEK IN THE TUMMY - Kids GO TO BED!

Have you ever listened to kids, (mostly boys) who enjoyed playing the game, “Know whats grosser than gross…?” Well here tonight on the Ledge, we are all going to play this childhood game! Now this should make you all just marvelously happy! Maybe even put you in that oh so childlike mood! Ok here we go….

Know whats grosser then gross? Sexually transmitted diseases! That is extremely grosser than gross, sure but lets focus on one aspect that will send most of you reeling for cover! Not too long ago I had a somewhat (I use somewhat loosely!) educated person actually tell me, “Yeah I got genital warts because I used the same bar of soap that the person who actually had them had used!” Ok so I am thinking….what did I miss when I learned about sexually transmitted diseases? So then I am thinking is it possible that something like that actually could happen? The odds are not likely, is what I was thinking. Now most of you who are more versed in this, feel free to correct me if I am totally wrong here! But I looked up this disease just to see if I had lost all of the marbles that I had left in my head, and I could not find anything to substantiate such a claim! I could only find this which told me that it was a skin to skin contact sexually transmitted disease. This person also went one step further to inform my lack of knowledge for sexually transmitted diseases that you could also catch it from a wash cloth that was used by a person who had the disease! W.T.F.??? Is this real? I mean who in the hell is teaching people this junk? And we wonder why venereal diseases are rapid round here!!!

Second “whats grosser than gross” comes in when I am told by a co-worker that their son actually enjoys going to this web site! Yeah I am all for kids learning all about science, hell I am even for kids wanting to know more about the body. (these kids will make great doctors someday!) But a kid who enjoys going to such sites for the gross factor? (which only proves that boys do like the game of whats grosser than gross!) In this site you can actually check out scabs and puss! Make sure you check out the girl with her arm squirting out puss, I kid you not! I am still thinking W.T.F.??? Ok sure kids need to learn this stuff, I am all for it but what a gross way to show it! Gotta have gooey shit in order to capture their attention span! I guess video games with life like blood squirting out of various body parts makes the job of science a bit more difficult!

The third, “Whats grosser than gross” is this poor squirrel!!! Not to mention that the whole damn web site is enough to make any normal person lose their cookies!

Now you maybe wondering why in the hell would I want to do a “Whats grosser than gross” episode here on the ledge. First of all, it all stems from a certain individual who claimed one could get warts from a bar of soap! And the fact that I am in a simply gross sort of mood….

2002-01-15T05:57:00.000-06:00
Oh THANKS Davezilla!!! I just cannot put that bread in the toaster now....uggg....hey which reminds me....yeah I know I should be in the shower...but get this:

I use to live in a huge country home a long time ago. Mice were there and it was a battle to rid them when the farmers would start to harvest the fields. Well one morning I went into the kitchen you know all sleepy, and started my coffee. Then pulled out the ole toaster and put some bread into it. Slid the handle down and guess what popped out at me? Yep this cute little mouse jumped out of the toaster!!! Needless to say I pitched the toaster and could not eat toast for months!!!

2002-01-15T05:41:00.000-06:00
....It's three am, I think I am lonely...

Yep, been up since three am...but unlike the song, I am not lonely, just not sleepy but it sounded good on the radio..

I dunno I guess when you are sometimes so busy, your sleep patterns get all messed up. Or if you have a problem about something it sort of actually interupts your sleep. Either way, I aint sleeping when I should be! It just turned five am and after doing some work, going for an early morning run with Mr. Yeller Dog on the blank city streets, I decided to blog. I first, of course ventured around to all my blogging buds to check out what they have been up to. I miss just doing that whenever I want to.

Well mid week the DFW bloggers will be hooping it up at the swank Inwood Theatre! At lest there will be something to break up the week - good friends, food, drink and lots of fun talk! If you are around you really should try to make it!

Well it's 5:30, better jump in the shower...hope you all have a wonderful day! HUGGLES!!!

2002-01-15T00:35:00.000-06:00